"Do you remember where you were when you heard about Versace?"
"No. but I remember what I was wearing!"
MR VOICES

 

  LEON, THE SPHINX (July 23 - Aug 22)

I'm talking to you, Leon, -- so shut up and listen. I know it's not easy, because you're half lion, half human and a complete halfwit. But rub the sand out of your eyes and look around. You're in the middle of a desert, because all your friends have deserted you since every time you open your big mouth to roar -- it makes everyone else yawn. And although you think of yourself as an incurable romantic, what you've got can be cured at the right clinic.

Leons are known for their extravagant tastes and incredible wills, so if you're smart, you'll marry a rich dead person whose will will take care of you for the rest of your lazy life. Leons are incredible hosts, but watch out for tics and vampire bats and avoid the "son" who's on the cusp of your doorstep and ready to move back in. Famous Leons include Attila The Hun, Orphan Annie, and me and my wife, Melinda... (7/28 and 8/20)

 

 

BEATLES SILENCED

On Saturday, July 19, from 10 am til 5 pm, my friend Martin "Portsmith Sinfonia" Lewis, hosted the last Beatles show to be broadcast on the "All Beatles Network" on KGIL-AM here in Los Angeles. It was a fantastic real radio event and I was honored to be included in the star-studded roster of celebrities who paid their homage to the greatest group ever.

Callers and in-studio guests included Weird Al Yankovic, Tom Arnold, Slash (from a Las Vegas Pinball convention, laced with uncensored obscenities), Drew Barrymore (who praised the B's sense of humor) , Kathy Bates, Martin Landau, Janeane Garofalo, Lynn Redgrave, Bill Maher, Michelle Phillips (calling from her bed) and -- Sid Caesar (who named his daughter "Michelle")! What a show!

At about 4:57 the live broadcast ended, followed by three minutes of silence before the format of the station changed to -- All Broadway and Movie Music!!! They're playing "South Pacific" as I type this... Naturally, I mentioned the "Marx/Lennon" album in my all too brief remarks, and in checking Mr. Ritter's Firesign Archives, I noticed that under "Beatles References" this most obvious of glorifications is absent! Updates are in order, but eternal thanks Mr. R., for the incredible work you've already done on our behalf!

 

 

THE BEATLES = THE TABLES

A few Beatles references -- In NICK DANGER: "Out of the Fog, into the smog"... "There's a fog upon L.A...." (Bluejay Way, Magical Mystery Tour) Rocky Rococo is a play on "Rocky Raccoon" in the White Album -- as is Nancy: "Her name was Magil and she called herself Lil/But everyone knew her as Nancy..." Also, "Now she and her man who called himself Dan/ Were in the next room at the hoe down" is Dan Catherwood, who says "Goo-goo-goo-joob" from "I am the Walrus" and "I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink" from "I'm So Tired" in the White Album.

Nick says his story has more holes in it than the Albert Hall as in "A Day in the Life" from "Sgt. Pepper." In HEMLOCK STONES they sing "Get Back" at the end. Also, Stones tells Flotsom to meet him in the pub in disguise, and Flotsom asks "In the pub in the skies?", a reference to "Lucy In the Sky with Diamonds."

One of the RALPH SPOILSPORT Motors commercials begins, "Why don't we do it in the road here at Ralph's Spoilsport Motors..." from the White Album. One of the kids in "Le Trent Huit Cunegonde" was named "Malcom X. John Lennon" and finally, in the "Dear Friends" album, one of the skits ends with a politician singing, "Those Moscow girls really knock me out" (a mis-quote from "Back in the USSR" -- the girls were Ukrainian).

 

 

OUCH

 

 

UP AND ATOM

Two atoms are walking down a street and bump into each other. One of them collapses. The other one asks "Are you OK?"

"No," replies the stricken atom. "I've lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive!" (Bob Lovejoy)

 

 

NEVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING, TAKE TWO
  1. ACCORDIONATED - being able to drive a car and refold a map at the same time
  2. AQUADEXTROUS - Possessing the ability to turn the bath tap off with your toes
  3. BURGACIDE - When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill onto the coals
  4. DIMP - A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking Do you work here?
  5. GLEEMITES: Those little petrified blobs of toothpaste in the bathroom sink
  6. LACTOMANGULATION - Handling the open here spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to the illegal side
  7. NEONPHANCY - A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life
  8. PETROPHOBIC - One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet
  9. OPTIRECTITUS (op-ta-rekt-i-tis) The mood or personality created or emoted by one whose optical nerve gets crossed with one's rectal nerve and gives them a shitty outlook on life.

(Steven Garnett)

 

 

GET THOSE PAWS UP!

The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling --

"Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!" (DAVERAVE)

 

 

MORE BUMPER STINKERS

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. Time is what keeps everything from happening at once. Rehab is for quitters. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. How can I miss you if you won't go away? Montana--At least our cows are sane! Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. (Wolfman) And from Magic Mike who saw this outside Seattle's famous Blue Moon (host to 3 Pulitzer prize winner's, one being Tom Robbins and I can't remember the other two) -- Honk if you ARE Jesus!

 

 

CLEAN UP YOUR ACT!

In a Yugoslavian hotel:

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In a hotel in Athens:

Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 am. daily.

And Steve "ONLY IN L.A." Harvey adds these instructions from reader Lloyd Peyton, from an Asian hotel:

Cooles and heates. If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control youreself.

 

 

POLITICALLY INCORRECT...

"This is unparalyzed in the state's history -- I am filled with humidity. I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session. But there's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind. We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger." -- Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis.

"This bill, if passed, will derail the ship of state. This session has been hit by an avalanche of creepin' paralysis." -- Speaker of the New York Assembly Stanley Steingut

"As we debate this bill, the sword of Damocles is hanging over Pandora's box. What is scattered to the wind here is just a drop in the bucket." -- member of New York City Council.

"It's the sediment of the House that we adjourn. Let's do this in one foul sweep." -- Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton

 

 

WORD$ OF WI$DOM

From LM Boyd's daily SAMPLER comes the "12 most persuasive words in English" according to a Yale study -- "You, money, save, new, easy, free, guarantee, love, discovery, results, health, proven."

Which reminds us of PYST Moneyman, Milkum Bosky's ten magic words

"Luck, sex, money, health, secret, Hitler, power, guaranteed, private and special edition."

As in, "This special secret limited collector's edition of Hitler's pyramid-shaped lucky ankle chains bring you sex, money, health and power. And it's yours for only ten lucky bucks. Order now!" Visit the PYST website for more information.

 

 

$HOE$ FOR INDUSTRY

Dear Employees:

Because our product integrity was marginal last year, we wouldn't be mispeaking to state that we experienced a run of positively negative deficits that added up to the least best equity retreat in our history.

As a result we're happy to announce to our stockholders that we're downsizing, repurposing, restructuring and front-loading to minimize our non-performing assets, avoiding a failure mode that could otherwise result in an incomplete success.

PS: In other words, business stinks, product sucks and you're fired. (PP)

 

 

FOXY!!!

You know why the English upper classes of old so much liked to hunt foxes? Because foxes run in straight lines and that let the hunters get good rides. Centuries ago, they hunted stags, but stags got scarce. Then they tried rabbits, but rabbits bound around in circles. (LM Boyd)

 


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 Published 7/20/97

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor