"God, Give me the strength to change the things I can,
the grace to accept the things I cannot,
and a great big bag of money"
(~kvetch)

 

THE IDIOT TEST

  1. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
  2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
  3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?
  4. A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?
  5. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada?
  6. How many outs are there in an inning?
  7. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Why?
  8. Two men play five games of checkers. Each man wins the same number of games. There are no ties. Explain this.
  9. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
  10. A man builds a house rectangular in shape. All sides have southern exposure. A big bear walks by, what color is the bear? Why?
  11. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?
  12. I have two US coins totaling 55 cents. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
  13. If you have only one match and you walked into a room where there was an oil burner, a kerosene lamp, and a wood burning stove, which one would you light first?
  14. How far can a dog run into the woods?
  15. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How long would the pills last?
  16. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?
  17. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
  18. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?
  19. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?
  20. What was the President's name in 1950?

****************** Answers ****************

  1. Yes
  2. One
  3. All of them (12)
  4. The beggar is her sister.
  5. He can't be buried if he isn't dead.
  6. 6
  7. No - because he is dead.
  8. They aren't playing each other.
  9. 70
  10. White. The house is at the North Pole so it is a polar bear.
  11. 2
  12. 50 cent piece and a nickel. (The other one is a nickel)
  13. The match.
  14. Half way. Then he is running out of the woods.
  15. 1 Hour
  16. 9
  17. None - Noah took them on the ark.
  18. Meat
  19. 12
  20. Same as it is now. (Bill- He's the president)

* Scoring guide: 21 Correct - Genius; 17 Correct - Above Normal; 15 Correct - Normal; 8 Correct - Nincompoop; 6 Correct - Moron; 3 Correct - Idiot... or so says Wayne "COH" Newitt...

 

KARATE BELTS?

In the Beverly Hills Courier, the Police Blotter contains the following incidents: "Suspect(s) entered lobby of karate studio, removed victim's unattended purse from underneath chair, then fled. Loss: $1,470."

(That's Beverly Hill$ for ya...)

"Suspect entered clothing store while carrying a bag, removed belt from display case, then placed belt into his bag. Suspect walked to counter and attempted to return the belt. Suspect subsequently arrested. Loss $795." (Must've been a nice belt, and a nice crook, too...)

 

MORE NEWS FROM HEAVENLY BILLS

In the same issue, a column called "It Happened This Week" has the following items:

60 Years Ago -- June 30, 1937 -- As storm clouds were forming over Europe, residents in Beverly Hills played polo in a star-filled competition.

200 Years Ago -- July 1, 1797 -- A less than rainy winter season gave California hills a golden look as early as June, lending the state the nickname, "The Golden State."

10,000 Years Ago -- June 29, 800s B.C. -- Tortor Gork held a celebration for his newborn baby girl and had all of his tribespeople gather up every "furkenerker" (a rare sweet-smelling fern) in the region, to bear as gifts...

 

NEWS FROM HOLLOWLAND

The Hollywood Wax Museum banished the figure of Mike Tyson from its Sports Hall of Fame to the Chamber of Horrors next to Hannibal "the Cannibal" Lecter; and a candy company in North Hollywood is offering EarVander chocolate ears. They are pre-nibbled...

 

TOP EIGHTEEN WORLD'S SHORTEST BOOKS:

18. Al Gore: The Wild Years
17. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
16. America's Most Popular Lawyers
15. Career Opportunities for History Majors
14. Detroit - A Travel Guide
13. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
12. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
11. Easy UNIX
10. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
9. Everything Men Know About Women
8. Everything Women Know About Men
7. French Hospitality
6. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
5. How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. Staple Your Way to Success
2. The Amish Phone Book

And the number one World's Shortest Book:

1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

(From Fred "Zineman" Wiebel)

 

SICK HUMOR

From Stef Donev come these medical interview statements which I've strung together:

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches. The skin was moist and dry. She is numb from her toes down. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce. Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. Patient was alert and unresponsive. The patient worked his entire life as a grain elevator. The patient lives at home with his mother, father and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. Coming from Detroit, this man has no children. Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles. Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Diagnosis: Sick As Hell Disease.

 

ODDS AND SOME ENDS

* The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie," thus the name of the Don McLean song. "Hang On Sloopy" is the official rock song of Ohio. Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag, and Pamela Anderson Lee is Canada's Centennial Baby, being the first baby born on the centennial anniversary of Canada's independence.

* The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways and the following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed." The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate. The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable." Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic." The only nation who's name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanistan. The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead." Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eye." (Wooden ya know...)

* A duck's quack doesn't echo. All porcupines float in water. An animal epidemic is called an epizootic. Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants. Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator while he was host of "Lorne Greene's Wild Kingdom." The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used. If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $10 from the town. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses and the horses figured out how to walk up straight staircases. Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason. When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror. Camel's milk does not curdle, and non-dairy creamer is flammable. Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan. Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ? (Who sent this????)

 

LOW BLOW

Mike Harris says that this is such a low form of humor it's sub-atomic: "A neutron walks into a bar and orders a martini. When the bartender hands him the drink, the neutron asks, 'How much do I owe you?'

The bartender replies, 'For you ... no charge.'"

 

BUMPER STUMPERS

Horn broken. Watch for finger... Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot... Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot... All men are idiots, and I married their King... Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot... Forget about World Peace; Visualize using your turn signal... Cover me. I'm changing lanes... Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine... Consciousness: That annoying time between naps... Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't... Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?... Ever stop to think and forget to start again?... Auntie Em, "Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog" -- Dorothy... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes... (Thanks to Wayne Newitt & Marv Wolfman)

 

[7-15-97]


*A subscription to the Fun and Foto-packed FIREZINE is only $15.00! Send that check to PO Box 585, Hagerstown, MD 21741-0585. (intrepid.net/~firezine/)

 

 Published 7/15/97

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor