"I can explain it for you, but I can't understand it for you."
anon

 

PROCTOR'S POEM TO L.A.

 

(Based on anagrams for "Los Angeles, California" from Larry Belling.)

 

Farce as confession!
Colossal liar
Fill SAG scenario --

 

Carnal follies,
Flannel orgies,
Alien agonies,
Inane infernal sacrilege...

 

Once safe alone,
fragile asocial gorilla slain.
Logic? Seasonal safari.

 

All age saloon: illegal collagen,
increase calorie goo,
cool fingernails.

 

Also, nasel lesion season info:
onion allergic

 

Foreclosing.
Alas, I fail -- no car.

 

Legs on sale.
Falling.
Final goal of sea air cleanliness!

 

 

THE SNAIL BAG

From Puzzlemeister Merl Reagle (who's apparently related to ee cummings) comes this response to my Sunday Morning "EAT ME" observation:

"in the '60s, nbc started running a saturday night logo (for "Saturday night at the movies," i believe) in which the words slowly seemed to come from behind the viewer and then into view. first the word SATURDAY, then the word NIGHT, etc., until all the words were in view. trouble was, the words came over slow enough so that the word TURD in SATURDAY lingered just a bit too long on the screen. i'm sure that's why it ran for only about two weekends. just thought you'd like to know. PS. you may know that a merl is a european black thrush, and if you look it up in your webster's new world dictionary you'll find that the scientific name for the merl is TURDUS MERULA. coincidence?"

And Raechel "Big D" Donahue writes: CAN YOU BELIEVE THEY'RE TAKING MICHAEL JACKSON OFF THE AIR? "When a man takes the bad road, the good road is hard to find; and when the good road is hard to find, the bad road opens, when the good road closes." Father Flotsky (Lenny Bruce)

Carl "The Guy" Norman notes that "The Hollywood Wax Museum has moved Tyson's figure to the Chamber of Horrors -- right next to Hannibal The Cannibal!"

 

 

MORE SOUND BITES
  1. Tyson-Holyfield II: The fight that was watched around the lobe.
  2. It certainly was an eerie fight.
  3. I guess you'd call last night "The bite of the century."
  4. I've heard of an ear for music, but for boxing?
  5. I guess Tyson bit off more than he could chew last night.
  6. Tyson tried to win with all his bight.
  7. After last night's loss to Holyfield, Tyson's going to reaffirm the expression "ear today, gone tomorrow."
  8. I'm thinking of composing a "bite song" for Tyson's next fight.
  9. You've heard of Friday night at the fights? In the 90s, it's Saturday night at the bites.
  10. Tyson epitomizes what a prize biter is all about.
  11. I bet they had a few good sound bites on the radio last night.
  12. Tyson must have heard wrong, Holyfield said let's go out for a bite "after" the fight.
  13. We have a new superhero: Biteman!
  14. Tyson sure lost some edibility last night.
  15. Have you noticed that Tyson Chickens are missing ears?
  16. Holyfield gave Tyson an earful during the fight.
  17. Tyson's game plan? Play it by ear.
  18. Tyson's favorite song? The Erie Canal.
  19. Tyson's favorite movie? From Ear to Eternity.
  20. The moral of the fight? To ear is human, to forgive divine.
  21. Tyson thought the ad said, "I wanna be like Marv."

 

 

HAR, HAR, HAR

Vanna "FLIGHT" Bonta, just back from Italy, says a seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns telling of their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and eye patch and asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit me leg off." "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook?"

"Well ...." replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut me hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "And how did you get the eye patch?"

"A seagull dropping fell into me eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well" said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook."

 

 

TRAVEL ON

Travel Agents State Mottos:

Florida: "The Gunshine State"

Kentucky: "Tobacco is a vegetable"

NY: "You have the right to remain silent."

North Carolina: "1 million people; 17 last names"

Montana: "With a name like the Tetons, it's got to be good"

 

 

NOW, THIS IS BIZARRE

Ku Klux Klansmen are having an awful time in Northern Illinois. It seems that the local ranks have dwindled to less than 100 diehard racists, and the ones that are left aren't doing very well. A report by a state investigative committee described this cross-burning ceremony at a farm near Georgetown: "After starting an hour late, the Klansmen found the cross was too heavy to lift. It took them nearly three hours to chop it down to size and haul it into place. When they finally managed to erect the cross, they were unable to ignite it." ...and these guys are the superior race...

A man in New Brunswick was fined $250 after pleading guilty to the charge of misleading a police officer. The prosecution in the case revealed that Mr. Blaine Gould had deep-fried his pet gerbil, and then pretended to find it in a box of fried chicken he bought at a local take-out restaurant...

Robert Driscoll of Detroit passed the civil service exam required to be a city bus driver, but was rejected, according to his application, for "excessively noticeable freckles"... OK, as long as there's a good reason...

The reverend Dwight Wymer, a Baptist minister in Grand Rapids, Michigan, reportedly used a 12-volt battery to shock his young students during sermons at his summer Bible school. Wymer explained: "When we don't do what God tells us to do... ZAP!"

"I snapped or something," said Orval Loyd of Dallas, TX, explaining to police why he had mistaken his mother-in-law for a large raccoon and hacked her to death... hey, anybody can make a mistake...

The New York Times reports that dozens of rural Americans are killed each year after they drink too much, lie down in the middle of the highway, and get run over...

Workmen in Rome, digging gravel for ballast, were instructed to dig from one central pit so as not to spoil the site with too many holes. They unearthed an ancient plaque inscribed in Latin, which turned out to be a sign intended for workman digging ballast for Roman ships. It instructed them to dig from a central pit so as not to spoil the site with too many holes...

Citadel Press has come out with a paperback edition of the book "How to Be Brief." The new edition has been retitled "How to Express Yourself Clearly and Briefly."

From biz@bizarrenews.com described as "More fun than a Beetle full of drag queens" or "So many idiots... so few comets." This newsletter is free because no one would pay for it.

 

 

THIS IS THE TRUTH?

 

 

GIVE ME SOME HEADLINES

The last of Dolly Garlow's Happy Headers, from "Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim," (compiled by Gloria Cooper, Dolphin Books 1980):

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group... Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft... Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire... Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood... Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies... Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter... Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years... Never Withhold Herpes... Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84... Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees... Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half... New Vaccine May Contain Rabies... Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing... Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing... Air Head Fired... Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni... Steals Clock, Faces Time... Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff... Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction... Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training... Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy... Include your Children when Baking Cookies... Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.

 

 

(7-6-97)

 

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 Published 7/6/97

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor