"Yoga is my new fascination. I don't want it to change my life. Just my butt."
Julia Roberts, L.A. Times Business section, 6/19/97

 

NEWS FROM HOME

On the CBS "Sunday Morning" show last week, one of their commentators was framed in such a way that the horizontally placed "GREAT MEN" logo over his left shoulder appeared to read "EAT ME". Then, Monday morning, I was awakened by my Clock-Television to an ad on CBS which proudly announced: "Golita Bank -- The home of the pointless home improvement loan..." And today, my mailbox delivered me a copy of my first "gay" catalog (don't ask) called TZABACO from Wilmington, Delaware, offering among other goodies, a "Rainbow" visa, "sexy" luggage, "His and His" towel sets, a "Gelatin Mold" wall clock and -- "The Mineo Shirt: Hollywood High 1955: the senior class hunkered down in the darkened auditorium of Griffith Park Planetarium. Except for one black leather jacket, the rest of the gang dressed in shirts just like these... two ombre plaids: A) Silver Lake Blue B) Mulholland Sunrise. S-L $46.00." XXXmas is coming...

I recently interviewed for several roles in the "Babylon 5" film and received a call from my agent asking if I could return the next day and "read for a non-speaking part." I was working that day, so I offered to phone it in... I will not be appearing in "Babylon 5, the Movie."

 

 

WHITE ON!

Why do we refer to whites as "Anglos." Well, according to the L.M. Boyd Sampler: Ancient Teutonic fishermen shaped bone into a fishhook. They said it was an "angul" from the Teutonic verb "to bend." A valley later named Holstein in old Germany was shaped like a fishhook. It became known as Angul, its people, Anguls. In the 5th Century A.D., Anguls invaded the southern British Isles. It was called Angul Land, then England.

 

 

EAR, EAR!!!

Last Saturday I had a lot of fun on Raechel Donahue's "Desert Island Disks" on KCSN Radio; and if you missed the broadcast, check out http://www.station2000. You'll hear something amazing in the second half of the show. Although we had no idea what was going on in Vegas, I improvised a bulletin that in an extremely bizarre incident, unprecedented in the history of the sport, Tyson had been disqualified in the third (actually between rounds), when he propositioned the Ring Girl. (Wish we'd said "after biting the Ring Girl on the butt!") Nevertheless, it was still a shock when we heard the real news later that evening. And apropos of that, Harris Mike wrote: "My take on the Tyson fight is that it's a tragic case of crossed signals. Holyfield was complaining about his training regimen and when he told Tyson that he hadn't had a bite in days, well, you saw what happened..." He also was the first to sent me the following , forwarded by Bryon Carson:

 

 

EAR NOW!

"Ears" a selection of headlines from AP on the Mike Tyson-Evander/Holyfield fight and its aftermath: "A Bad Bite for Boxing" - The News & Observer of Raleigh. "Twice Bitten" - Times-Picayune of New Orleans. "Bite of the Century! " - Arizona Republic. "Bite Night" - Lexington (Ky.) Herald-Leader. "Tyson's Tasteless Tactics: Bite Night" - The Record of Hackensack, N.J. "Reality Bites" - Times Union of Albany, N.Y. "Did Tyson Bite Off More Than He Can Chew? Time Will Tell" - Salt Lake Tribune. "Tyson Subject of Biting Criticism" - The (Baltimore) Sun. "Biting Commentary" - The Boston Herald. "Tyson Bites the Dust, Holyfield" - Huntsville (Ala.) Times. "Holyfield May Take a Bite Out of Tyson" - The Indianapolis Star. "Holyfield Can't Stay Unbitten as Heavyweight" - Sun-Sentinel, Fort Lauderdale, Fla. "Earmarks of Cowardice" - Houston Chronicle. "Earmark of an eerie night" - The Atlanta Journal and the Atlanta Constitution. "A two-bit bout: Holyfield Wins" - Kansas City Star. "From Champ to Chomp" - The Herald-Sun of Durham, N.C. "The Champ and the Chomp" - The Jersey Journal. "Holyfield Still Chomp-ion" - San Francisco Examiner. "Heavyweight Chomp" - Philadelphia Inquirer. "Undisputed Chomp" - USA TODAY. "World Chomp" - The Sun (London). "Requiem for a Chompion" - Philadelphia Daily News. "Sucker Munch" - The Sun (London). "Biting Back: Evander Has Public's Ear" - Daily News, New York. "Toss Tyson Out on Ear" - Daily News, New York. "Ear Flap" - Newsday. "Ears Have It! Evander Wins" - Montgomery (Ala.) Advertiser. "Tyson's Behavior Hard to Swallow" - Providence Journal-Bulletin. "Dracula" - New York Post. "Champ Chewing Over Legal Options" - New York Post. "It's Tyson's Nature to (Ch)eat" - New York Post. "For Tyson, Tooth Hurts" - New York Post. "Lobe Blow for Boxing" - The Tennessean. "Iron Mike Goes Down Biting" - The Sunday Oklahoman. "Tyson Doesn't Gnaw What's Next" - The Daily Oklahoman. "Ear of Scorn" - Kansas City Star. "Pay Per Chew" - Philadelphia Daily News. "Holyfield Lends Ear as Tyson Self-Destructs" - Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. "Ear-Responsible" - Fort Worth Star-Telegram. "Tyson Scars Face of Boxing" - The Guardian (London).

 

 

"A GRAN'MA?"

My ex-Riverdale classmate and eternal NY hipster, David Lahm, sent me the results of a TV show anagram contest from the October '96 issue of "Games Magazine" by Amy Goldstein, which is truly mind-boggling:

American Bandstand = Dancers ain't bad, man

America's Funniest Home Videos = Oh, No! Fad misuses cinema verite
(or) = Inane movie items used for cash

America's Most wanted = A swat at crime demon

The Andy Grifith Show = That "Howdy"ing Sheriff

Dan August = A stud, a gun

The Milton Berle Show = He thrills to be women

Charlie's Angels = Lean girls chase

Concentration = connection art

The Dating Game = Get-a-dame night

The Patty Duke Show = How pesky, that duet

The Ed Sullivan Show = He should want Elvis

Fresh Prince of Bel Air = Fine rap bro feels rich

Geraldo = Real dog

Gilligan's Island = Dang! Sailing ills...

The Honeymooners = Oh, there's no money! He's my one-ton hero

Lost In Space = So, let's panic! Tin S.O.S. place

Magnum, P.I. = I'm a P.M. gun

My Favorite Martian = I am E.T. in TV form

Melrose Place = Compels a leer

My Mother the Car = Thy chrome mater

The People's Court = Help to prosecute

Saturday Night Live = N.Y. TV satire? I'd laugh! - A trendy laugh visit

Sea Hunt = He's tuna; He's a nut

Seinfeld = Snide elf

Seasame Street = Me sees treats!

The Simpsons = Son pests him

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine = Can't keep Enterprise? Sad!

Three's Company = My rent: so cheap!

The Rockford Files = Oft-fired Sherlock

Third Rock From the Sun = Fresh hit! Not "Mork" crud

Science Theatre 3000 = O yes! 3 retort to cheesy cinema

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno = Late hit, he's got wit...Johnny who?

Unsolved Mysteries = Story mess unveiled

The Wonder Years = Dreary teen show

 

 

PASS IT ON

Yes, goodbye to Jimmy Stewart, Robert Mitchell and William Hickey, but did you know that we also lost 73-year-old Bill Bradley, who started the 50-year Broadway tradition of the "gypsy robe?" In 1950, Bradley was a chorus boy in "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" and sent a "tacky dressing gown" as an opening night gift to a friend in "Call Me Madam" with a note labeling it "the legendary Gypsy Robe." Adding a rose from Ethel Merman's costume, it was then passed on next opening night to another chorus member with the most credits.. and the tradition was born. When filled, it is retired and a new one started, kinda like us.

We also said bon voyage to "Wino Willie" Forkner, 78, of the South Central Boozefighters Motorcycle Club, who inspired Marlon Brando's character in the movie "The Wild One." He won't be attending the 50th anniversary of the birth of the motorcycle outlaw movement in Hollister July 4th but "Wino will be there in spirit, and I'll be drinking lots of spirits in his honor," says San Diego insurance agent/biker "Big Hearted" Bill Boltz. "They think I pretend to be a biker on the weekend, but I pretend to be a businessman during the week."

Locals declare: "If I had a 14-year-old virgin daughter, that's where I'd want her to be. Let's welcome them. We can show them hospitality and take their money..." Kinda reminds me of Roswell, where the only little green men sighted at their 50-year memorial are five million dead presidents...

 

 

IN THE NEXT/WORLD...

(I guess it had to happen...)

The world is running out of burial space and yet people want to be able to remember their loved ones and even more to visit them in beautiful, remote location where private meditation and intimate communication is imperative, What better solution than Next/world's VIRTUAL CEMETERY, a site affords you a headstone or mausoleum of your own design, at reasonable prices in a virtually limitless space -- just like the universe your loved one has passed over to.

You will be able to "visit" your lost one's resting place, lovingly recreated from a photograph of the actual plot, or rendered by our artists into a series of real, idyllic and even fantastical settings with appropriate sound and lighting effects such as: the murmur of a soft breeze, the shifting shadows cast by sheltering trees, the trilling of birds and the buzz of insects. A choice of beautiful music, distant bells or heavenly voices can be called up for another minor charge; and you can stay as long as you want, or can afford, as the sun and clouds move accordingly overhead.

Or, you can call up the weather conditions or time of day appropriate to your mood: a distant thunderstorm; a rain shower followed by a rainbow; a gorgeous sunrise or a breathtaking sunset - it's all up to you.

At a slight additional cost, you can call up flowers, flags and other memorials to place on your loved one's spot; and for an additional investment, a vocal or physical likeness of your dearly departed can be holographically rendered in a movingly lifelike manner. We can even pre-record one side of an interactive dialogue in your partner's dear voice so that you can actually communicate in the world beyond, through our patented "Next/world" interface.

No matter what disposal method is employed in physical reality, (interment, cremation, burial at sea, in space, or cryogenics) your loved one will be downloaded at the exact moment of his or her actual dispersal and visitations can be effected immediately.

Because there is no actual "space" involved in the design and creation of these sites, alterations can be made at will and additional decedents can take their places next to their relatives or loving partners at any time with no disruption to other family plots.

Furthermore, one's pets can be added to the chosen site, a situation quite impossible to affect in some states; and even friends can be imported to share one's final station either eternally or for a short term visitation and they can also be removed just as easily at any time, allowing for special family reunions or personal memorials quite impossible to realize in physical reality.

Surviving persons can even plan to visit a site together no matter how widely scattered they may be, interacting with their late friends and relatives and with each other; or -- through the intersection of one of our virtual psychics -- actual communication with surviving spirits will be made possible at a slight additional charge. (For more information, visit http://www//next/world.com)1

[1. Editorial footnote: this is not a legitimate web address. Iíve contacted Phil for a correction, and it will be corrected before I post it to my Archive Web site at www.clark.net/pub/rarnold/firesign/pp/ and possibly in a later orbit. RJA, ed.]2

[2. Correction to editorial footnote 1.: You Humble Online Editor was fooled. There is no site. Phil made it all up. I stand corrected, cheeks red from blushing. RJA, ed.]

 

 

MOON ME

In Stephanie Simon's L.A.T. article, I learned that Dennis Hope, Rio Vista ex-ventriloquist and car salesman, has declared himself "Master of the Solar System" setting up a business as an extraterrestrial real estate agent. From his Lunar Embassy, he clears $4000 a month selling 1, 777 acres of prime lunar land for $15.99 "plus tax and shipping." A local company even paid $42,500 to buy a "state" called Lunafornia.

See, there's no treaty banning development of private property on the moon, and the International Outer Space treaty of 1967 bars nations but not individuals from appropriating celestial bodies. So, on to Mars -- which could soon be renamed "Phil's World."

 

 

(7-03-97)

 

You'll also hear me July 4th on NPR in Norman Corwin's "Our Lady of the Freedoms -- and Some of Her Friends" -- locally on KUSC fm 91.5, 1-2pm.

 

 Published 7/03/97

PLANET PROCTOR
© 1996/2002 by Phil Proctor