"Laughter scares even those who fear nothing!"
(Old Russian expression)

 

VIRTUAL REALITY

In the lobby of the WG Theatre on Doheny is an exhibit of pages from movies and TV. Among them, a script for the X-Files by Darin Morgan titled "Clyde Bruckmanís Final Repose" which contains the following telling description:

"He stares down at his wound in complete mystification, not so much like a man who's been shot, but like a writer who's watching the director's cut of one of his own episodes."

 

 

VIRTUAL REALTY

There are several "Virtual Cemetery" sites on the net, but my favorite offers you a choice of Eternal Rest settings with shady trees, varying weather conditions and bird or insect calls, and "virtual communication" with the dearly departed. The only problem is -- there's a two-year waiting period for space; they're plots have been all sold out...Can you dig it?

 

 

VIRTUAL ARREST

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture -- of handcuffs. (Wayne "Duke" Newitt)

 

 

VIRTUALLY, ENGLAND

From Frank M. Bland more colourful answers given by recent British boys in a national examination:

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German... Liter: A nest of young puppies... Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat... Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away... Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot... Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives... Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight... The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader... Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines and makes them perspire... A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold... Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas... A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

 

 

VIRTUAL IDIOCY

One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target, again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!" (Penn the J.)

 

 

VIRTUAL SAMPLICITY

For a regular fix, visit http://www.LMBoyd.com/postscript.htm

 

 

VIRTUAL BRAINS

A lady visiting her in-laws in Arkansas last week, went to a local supermarket. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting inside, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping but with her eyes open. The visiting woman tapped on the window and asked, "Are you okay?" The woman in the car answered, "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in."

Not knowing what to do, the first woman ran into the store, where store officials called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brains in. (From Wayne "Moose" Newitt)

 

 

VIRTUAL GOVERNMENT

* FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

* PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

* BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

* FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

* PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

* RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

* DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

* SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

* MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

* PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

* REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

* AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate."

* BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

* BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cow.

* ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

$ CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

$ HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.

* ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

* FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

* TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

* POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender.

~@ SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. (From A. "Silly Person" Shearman)

 

 

VIRTUAL ADVERTISING

 

 

A VIRTUAL MESSAGE...

"I was LOL and ROTF after the last PP. GMTA, IMHO. Going AFK, BRB -- TTFN and WTG, PP ;) U }:>!"

 

 

VIRTUAL LA, CA

If you move the letters of Los Angeles, California around, it spells: "No car, I fail -- legs on sale."

 

 

(Honk, honk! PP 6-1-97)

 

 Published 6/01/97

PLANET PROCTOR
© 1996/2002 by Phil Proctor