" The secret to life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made!"
(Groucho Marx)

 

WELCOME, MR. SMEETH!

Joe Ezterhas' soon-to-be-released movie "An Alan Smithee Film" is so named because when a director pulls his name off a project the Director's Guild requires such billing to be evinced. Ironically it was reported in the Calendar section of the LA Times that director Arthur Hiller has in fact just pulled his name from the credits over an editing issue, meaning that "An Alan Smithee Film" will in fact be directed by "Alan Smithee." Art imitates art...

 

 

WHAT IS REALITY?

"Made in the USA" can be imprinted on any product that contains 75% of native workmanship and was last "transformed" in the U.S... Doctors are now offering Soy Bean breast implants... Among the credits for "Volcano," are "Special Effects Medic," a "Data Wrangler" and Special Assistant -- Mr. and Mrs. Erwin... I found a note in one of the rehearsal spaces at the Center Theatre Group Annex which reads: "You're no loser, fluffy. Welcome to the Carpa Clash. Here's your red nose."... It is now official: Vietnam is being marketed as a resort with great beaches. I was informed 20 years ago that sand was being sent into Nam from other parts of the world for just such an eventuality... W. Elliot Brownlee passed on recently after 90 years and will be remembered because he put the cheese in Cheez-Its. We also lost Alvy Moore at 75. He put the cheese in "Green Acres."... A nightclub in Hollyweird called Coven 13, billed as a "death rock dance-dungeon" recently featured "Kiki and Sugar" hosted by "Ghastly" magazine, with belly dancer Kashmir White and the mysterious Neptune, Goddess of the Sea. Look out for it on an edition of "Strange Universe" -- check local psychics for broadcast times.... And last but lost, Roger Bumpass reminds us of the NASA official testifying about the shuttle Challenger explosion: "The criticality in answering your question, sir, would be a real foot race as to which one would be considered more critical, depending on the particular time that you looked at your experience with that." (This was also the winner of the coveted "Doublespeak" award for 1986)

 

 

OHMAGOD, TWO!

A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is the Lord male or female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well the Lord is unique - both male and female."

This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is the Lord black or white?" "Well, The Lord is both black and white."

This response further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is the Lord gay or straight?"

At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, The Lord is both gay and straight." At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks... "Is the Lord Michael Jackson?"

 

 

YOU THINK YOU SO SMART...

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? (Member of the Internet Link Exchange)

 

 

MORE PONDERINGS

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it... Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check... Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn... If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book... COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live... The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was... It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others... The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think... Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society... Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them... a 0.44 Magnum beats 4 aces... and, the Law of Probability Dispersal states that whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed... (Judy Meyers)

 

 

HUMPER KNICKERS

Wayne Newitt sent us "a couple of gems" in the form of a bumper sticker from the 405 freeway in LA during the "fabulous" 80's, and a second bumper snicker sighted in San Diego in the 70's: "Nuke all gay, unborn, baby whales!" & the slightly less subtle "Go Fuck Yourself!"

Also, Roger Bumpass who claims to have invented 'Bumpass Stickers' offers a thought for the 90s:

"ONE PLANET, ONE PEOPLE, ONE PERSON......ME"

 

 

IN THE NUDES

Seen in the London Evening Gazette by the aforementioned Bumpass person, was this misprint regarding "boney" Prince Charles:

"His comments followed claims that the Prince has been secretly Mrs. Parker-Bowles for more than a decade, and as often as once a week."

And from Commie Martyr High, Soviet author D. Bleiman once wrote:

"The lark is exclusively a Soviet bird. The lark does not like the other countries, and lets its harmonious song be heard only over the fields made fertile by the collective labor of the citizens of the happy land of the Soviets." (Cnaciba, comrade B.)

 

 

SQUEEZE THE WHEEZE

In an the L.A. Times article by Elizabeth Shogren on the President's South American trip, Clinton is pictured in a bearhug in a virgin rainforest with his Yale mate, Mexican President Ernesto Zedillo. They obviously really "clicked" in their private meetings, as did our Billy boy in public with the Mexican people.

Por exemplo, during a tour of the Museum of Anthropology, a curator showing off two deformed Olmec children's skulls which had been pressed between boards "in a beauty ritual," asked what effect such treatment might have had on early development, Clinton quipped, "It depends on whether you read to them and sing to them while you're squeezing their heads." Perhaps the parents would say, he pondered, "I'm squeezing your head because I love you."

Clinton also confided to Zedillo that his own mother told him "This hurts me more than it does you" when administering a spanking. "It's the only thing she told me I don't believe," he concluded.

Mrs. Clinton had an awkward moment, on the other hand, when she visited a Family Planning Center in a "hardscrabble (toughmenudo?) Mexican neighborhood" only to learn that USAID had just cut off their funds "to create sustainability." The center's director complained that he can't understand a U.S. policy that puts money into strengthening the border and "takes money away from them." Si si!

 

 

SPEAKING OF BIRTH CONTROL...

Dr. John "Hoohah" Scialli reveals that a new study reveals three recognized stages of sexuality in marriage:

Stage 1: Groping each other in the car.

Stage 2: Locking the bedroom door so the kids don't interruptus.

Stage 3: Passing each other in the hall and saying "Fuck you!"

He adds: "If the Church wants its priests to be celibate, it oughta let them get married." To which I say, "Celebacy is better than no sex at all."

 

 

WHAT'S SO PUNNY?

 

1.

What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France? Linoleum blownapart.

2.

A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs. It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.

3.

Which famous golfer loves to drink wine? Litre Vino.

4.

 

A man goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease. The doctor says, "Try a milk bath." So the guy goes to the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs enough milk to take a bath. The dairy guys ask "You want that pasteurized?" "Nah," the man replied "Up to my chin should do it."

5.

What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.

6.

In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything, that is except the smoked salmon. Thus were created the world's first anti-lox breaks.

7.

Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? Both crews were marooned.

8.

Why did the Maharishi refuse Novocain when he had his tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

9.

Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant? One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.

10.

 

A scientist cloned himself but the experiment created a duplicate who used very foul language. As the clone cursed and swore, the scientist finally pushed it out the window, and it fell to its death. Later the scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.


It's all Rich Fish's fault, but remember, Christ's church was founded on a pun...

 

 

E-MAIL IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES

From LM Boyd's "Sampler" which has returned mysteriously to us -- "You're always in the exact center of the rainbow that you see. This is not just philosophical, it's scientifically accurate." And, he also points out that developers of home tracts preferred the term "cul-de-sac" to "dead-end street." Boyd doesn't believe they knew the literal meaning of "cul-de-sac" is "bottom of the bag." (Thanks, LM.)

 

 

ET ENFIN!

Martin Harris writes to Prof. Proctor that a bulletin for Illinois University Alumni Association's "Mini-University" is offering a course by Prof. of History William Cohen on "Why the French Don't Like Americans"... And please remember as Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, Pierre Pachet said in 1872, "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction"

 

 

"A la prochaine!" -- PProctor@compuserve.commie.commisar.com

 

Published 5/10/97

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor