From the New York Times 12/1/96, in Tom Kuntz's article about the "Songwriters' Rhyming Dictionary" by Kevin M. Mitchell, a songwriter and editor at the Alfred music publishing house in Van Nuys, comes the song "L.A., L.A." sung to the tune (kind of) of "New York, New York."

Start tellin' my muse -- inflate my resume
I'm going to soon depart for it, L.A., L.A.!
Those mega-blond dudes are goin' to say
I'm too damn smart and too unfit for L.A., L.A..

I want to wake up in a city that never keeps
its promises and has streets that they don't sweep.
These Big Apple hues, all seem so gray
"I see walls in mauve and puce," says my decorator, Jose.

After all my off-Broadway plays aren't seen in Ecuador
Now I wanna write sitcoms, starring Paulie Shore...

If I can fake it there I can fake it everywhere
It's up to you, L.A., L.A.!

And this is mine, written after the last almost "big one," sung to the classical tune Allan Sherman used for his brilliant novelty single, "Hello Mudder." [Editor's Note: the classical "tune" is "Dance Of The Hours" by Amilcare Ponchielli. - RA]

Hello mother, tell the doorman,
to look out for,
your son, Norman,
cause I'm leaving in a hurry--
it's goodbye to quakes, and "hi" sub-zero worry.

So long free-ways,
I'm not payin'
for the concrete,
they'll be layin',
all the traffic's at a standstill
since the quake reduced the offramps to some landfill!

Real estate was just improving,
but not now, since earth is moving;
we're all fleeing for the East cause soon,
the left coast will be called –
"the least."

First the rainstorms, then the riot,
then the fires, then some quiet --
then the tremblor kicked our keister,
6.8 upon the scale of Meester Reechter.

So I'm flying, driving, walking --
let my fears do all the talking,
New York City, have some pity,
Welcome me again,
Be-cause I'm moving back! Let's pack!!

In the most recent "Heartland America" catalogue, besides an autographed Dennis "Orgasm" Rod-man Basketball for only $199.99, you can order the Last Ironing Board You'll ever Need, a Remote Control Turntable to automatically adjust your TV from your couch, a car alarm that claims it won't "Let Your Car Become a Victim!" a custom-fit pad that will keep your garage floor "As Clean as Your Kitchen Floor" (not mine...), golf balls that "fly so far the USGA wants them banned," the "Dog Dazer" ultrasound repeller, rare bronze coins used in the time of Jesus and an industrial shredder which "shreds paper clips and credit cards."

Or, if you're into music, here's some great gift ideas from American Musical Supply: Zildjian Splash Bashes are on sale, but specify if you want Crash Ride, Medium Ride, Ping Ride or Rock Ride. Also available for a reasonable price are China Boy Highs and Lows, low-pitched medium Thin Dark Crashes with a warm shimmer, or Fast Chinese -- tight and trashy! Very comfortable Tama Thrones are, in as well as Gibraltar Motorcycle Thrones, Pedal Beaters, Multi-Rods, Drum Gloves, Stick Grip Tape and Remo Pinstripe or Dot Heads. Order now!

And last but really least, from the "Sport Europa Sun and Swimwear Collection" you can buy Body Shells with matching thongs, Leopard Mesh or Stars' n' Stripes Bikinis with Anklet, Waist or Footel body chains, Solid Gold and Sherbert swimsuits, or Men's Blueberry Stripe and Bandit Bikinis -- lined for comfort.

They also have a swell collection of Zipper and Muscle Tanks, Logo Panel Bras and Crop Rag Tops as well as Leopard, Purple Haze, Lightning Bolt or Spatter Baggies, Men's Rebel, Lips, and Hot Stuff Shorts, or a Slinky Zipper Mock (which looks great with Peasant Pants).

I'm ordering a Buckle Shirt and a pair of Rubber Jeans, and for the little woman, Waffle Shorts and a shredded and Fringed Mesh Hi-Neck. Sorry, models not included.

PHILADELPHIA, Pa. - A woman is suing the pharmacy that sold her a popular contraceptive jelly because she ate the stuff on toast and got pregnant anyway. And, incredibly, many legal experts are saying she's got an excellent chance of collecting! "The woman is a complete idiot," said one attorney who asked that we not use his name. "How bright can you be if you think eating a vaginal gel will prevent conception?

"But certain aspects of the case involve truth in labeling and false advertising issues. She may not collect but she'll make a lot of noise and trouble. People are down on lawyers anyway. They think we waste time and money on frivolous lawsuits. This isn't going to help our public relations any."

A spokesman for the unnamed mom-and-pop drugstore says he's shocked and angry that such a case could ever be taken seriously. "All she has to do is open the box and read the directions," says the spokesman. "Next thing you know someone will come after us because they couldn't stick things together with their toothpaste. I can just imagine some moron saying: 'It's paste, isn't it? Why can't I glue these papers onto my bulletin board?'"

But attorneys for Mrs. Chyton say she was swindled and lied to by implication and they intend to make the pharmacy pay $500,000 for the hardship the woman will have to endure. "It says right on it 'jelly,'" says Mrs. Chyton, a former model who was once a cheerleader for a popular professional basketball team. "And they kept it on the shelf just two aisles from the food section. I know, now, that the directions say it should be used vaginally with a condom." (But who has time to sit around reading directions these days - especially when you're sexually aroused?)

"The company should call it something else and the pharmacy shouldn't sell it without telling each and every customer who buys it that eating it won't prevent you from getting pregnant."

As bizarre as it sounds, the pharmacy could wind up losing the lawsuit. "It's hard for businesses to avoid troublesome lawsuits," said another attorney. "With the courts bending over backwards to please consumer groups, the temper of the times is perfect for these crackpots to bring legal action against businesses - even a moronic legal action like this." (Thanks to Michael Dare, http://home.earthlink.net/~dare2b/)

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Sorting through the objects on display, he discovers a life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. He picks it up and asks the shop owner the cost. "Twelve dollars," says the owner, "and a thousand dollars for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he walks faster, but every time he passes another drain, more rats come out and join the parade.

Soon, at least a hundred rats are following him, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, breaking into a trot as the rats swarm from the sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are now at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of a hill, he panics and starts to run.

But the rats keep up, squealing hideously, and by the time he reaches the water's edge, he's leading a trail of rats 12 city blocks long. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post and hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay, as far as he can heave it. Clinging to the post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the shop owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer.

Recently seen in the company lot by contributor Edmund Hack, Houston, TX: "Come the Rapture, Can I have your car?" and "Condoms are easier to change than Diapers."

Seen on the freeways, past and present: "He's Dead, Jim! You get his wallet, I'll get his tricorder."

Most politically incorrect ever seen: "Don't argue with your wife - Dicker!"

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." -- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

Published 5/06/97

PLANET PROCTOR
© 1996/2002 by Phil Proctor