"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
(Bumper Sticker)

 TV OR NOT TV

This week I worked "live" as the voice of a newscaster in a scene with Ted Danson, Mary Steenbergen and Candace Bergen on INK. The show was written by Diane English who created Murphy Brown, and directed by Joe Regalbuto from same. I screentested with Candace many years ago for Henry Jaglom's first film, "A Safe Place," (she lost the role to Tuesday Weld) and had worked with Joe before at the Mark Taper Forum, and since I was invited to do this role after the last INK I recently worked on, I felt right at home.

I don't want to tell you to much about the scene because it would take some of the fun out of it, but the plot revolves around the fact that Ted's character, Mike Logan has had a hot sex thing with "Murphy Brown" that started years ago when his marriage with his present boss (and his real wife in real life!) went on the rocks.

It airs on Monday, May 12th on CBS. Don't miss it if you can.

Also, in showbiz news, Melinda and I attended a Writers Guild screening of Carl Reiner's very funny film "That Old Feeling" starring Bette Midler (in which incidently I am credited as having revoiced several characters); and we both laughed heartily when we saw in the closing crawl that Carl's wife, Estelle, is credited as "On Set Chanteuse"! Is there a union for that?

 

 

LIFE IS A SAMPLER

Dear Friends: I have greatly enjoyed passing along L.M. Boyd's brilliant and witty observations on, well, everything, but I can no more. Daily delivery of L. M. Boyd's "Curiosity Corner" by email has been discontinued. Likewise discontinued, posting of those items on the Boyd web site. Boyd's full column runs daily in newspapers nationwide. If it's not in your local paper and you'd like to see it there, you can request editorial consideration for it by addressing your message via email, postal mail or telephone directly to your newspaper's editor. Sincere thanks to L.M. for letting me reproduce his gems in past orbits and here's the last of the batch:

Of all the music ever pressed to disk, the largest single print order of one recording is -- Whales singing. The National Geographic sent it out in an issue.

What's a "Temple of Cloacina"? asks a client. Says she saw those words carved on the door of a little building out in the country. Cloacina was the Roman Goddess of Disposal. Believe her name used to show up on outhouses.

What makes an "infant" different from a "baby"? "Infancy" comes from the Latin for "without language," so a baby is only an infant until it starts to talk.

You've seen pictures of the oldtimey hobble skirt. The woman of high fashion once wore it. Why is curious. In 1908, Wilbur Wright took a Mrs. Hart O. Berg up in an airplane over France. Her skirts flew wild until she tied them around her ankles. A Parisian dressmaker thought that nifty, so introduced the hobble skirt to suggest the wearer was the sort who flew around in airplanes.

A lobster breathes by taking in water through its legs, and letting it out through its head. Odd, but not to the lobster, who thinks we breathe funny maybe.

When a Roman peasant died, friends turned a harrow upside down, used the spikes for candle holders, and put the body on it, thus to drag the remains to burial. Our word "hearse" came from the Latin for "harrow."

A "micro" is considerably smaller than a "mega," is it not? Computer programmers know all about this. So ask one such how many microphones you'd need to make a megaphone.

A "noggin" is (also) a half a cupful of whatever.

 

 

THE DOCTOR IS IN

At my orthodontist, Dr. Joe Canon's office this morning, I noticed that his latest Sherman Office Specialties catalogue was in, so I stayed after my appointment to jot down some goodies I hope he orders for me next time. (I'm bored with the sugarless pops. Why can't he order some Boop Paste, Ugly Wugglies, Finger Traps or Large Squirt Fish?) There's Prehistoric Pail Packs, Elephants filled with Bendable Dogs, Neon Doodlers, Flip Frogs and Dollar Balls. Prickle Balls, Did It Puzzles and Rainbow Coils to take home, and Assorted Face Kickbags, Glow-Yos or Sticky Hedgehogs which come in a "Barrel of Fun - Barrel Not Included." What a selection! Neon Knockers and Slime, Wicky Wacky Sticker Faces, Small Stretch Men, Go Go Rings, Finger Spies and Slap 'em Bracelets, Robot Bubbles and Wedding Bubbles on a cord, Groan Tubes, Gangster Hats and Inflatable Saxaphones, Endangered Animal Erasers, and Car Sharpeners, Pencil Huggers and Gliding Eye Balls in your own Itty Bitty Bag. I can't wait to get my Popeye Recall Card in the mail! And yes, there is a website to verify the truth of each and every item I listed, at http://www.shermannet.com.

Enjoy.

 

 

STOP FOLLOWING ME!

(More Bumper Stinkers):

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools .

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

I love cats ... they taste just like chicken .

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.

Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!

Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

When there's a will, I want to be in it!

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

 

 

PARK AND LOCK IT.

A businessman walks into a bank in Boston and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is; why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The businessman replied: "Where else in Boston can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

(HarrisMike@interplay.com)

 

 

NOW YOU KNOW IT!

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up here these days...Lime is a green-tasting rock... Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil...Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should... Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there......Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers...We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on...To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up...In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's...Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

Clouds are high flying fogs...I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing....Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do... A blizzard is when it snows sideways... The wind is like the air, only pushier... A monsoon is a French gentleman...Thunder is a rich source of loudness...Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound...It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places...Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man... -- Author unknown, but these come from stef.donev and his passing pal, Marv Wolfman)

 

Whew! I've emptied the electronic mailbox of the nothing that was in there. Now there's room for even less. Yours with a new address --PProctor@compuserve.com (for those of you who can't remember the numbers and want to pass the Planet!)

 

 

PP -- MAYDAY 1997

 

Published 5/01/97

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor