"Waldheimer's Disease? You grow old and forget you were a Nazi."
(Playwright Jon Marans)

 

 

 

DR ASTRO: TOURIST

We've just entered the starspace of Tourist, the Bull Artist. You've been living in a world of make believe, tourist -- lying to your friends about your fantastic adventures and achievements, even stealing snapshots from the fotoshop and pasting your pasty face onto those hardbodies. But the truth is, you're a fake! You xeroxed your resume from some book, got that letter sweater from the Goodwill, and earned all those sports trophies by beating the crowd to the garage sale every Saturday.

You could just own up to the truth and start being yourself but then you'll have to say goodbye to your friends, your job and your self-respect and hello to a life watching daytime TV and cultivating couch potatoes by night.

This is Doctor Astro reminding you: belief in pseudo science isn't always enough; you have to embrace the fraud within you -- and that's me, Cloud Astro! See you next Sign...

 

 

EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG

From "Shallow Thoughts" (tm): from sampler@lmboyd.com. Click on Postscript: http://www.LMBoyd.com/postscript.htm

 

 

ONE DAY IN PEACE, JANUARY 1, 2000

This is a 24-hour concept where no guns are fired anywhere on earth... including on television. What if, for 24 hours, whosoever happens to be at war on December 31st, 1999, agrees that for one whole day no guns would be fired? The silence would be golden. And what if the television programmers of the world agreed to not air any programming with a violent content? ( It would probably be easier to get warring nations to stop firing than it would be to get the world's television programmers to not air violent programming.) At present, this ONE DAY IN PEACE concept is beginning to get further circulation. On April 6, 1997, it will be 1000 days until January 1, 2000. This is a thought-wave campaign. Which is to say, the more people who grasp this thought, the more it comes into reality. One Day In Peace, January 1, 2000...pass it on...expect a miracle. Now, if we could just get politicians to stop shooting off their big mouths...

 

 

BLONDES DO HAVE MORE FUN

From Harris Mike (or Mike Harris): Four blondes walk into a bar. They go up to the bar and ask the bartender for four shots. They raise their glasses and say "51 days!" and down their drinks. They ask the bartender for another round. They raise their glasses again and say, "51 days!" and down their drinks. They ask for a third round. The bartender says, "Excuse me, but if you don't mind my asking, what does '51 days' mean?"

Well," says one, "We bought a jigsaw puzzle and on the box cover it said '2 to 4 years', and we completed the puzzle in just 51 days!" (NOTE: Could be guys or gals...)

 

 

WHAT IS VIRTUAL REALITY?

From Richard Fish, who may be already hooked: LISA, a virtual girl like no other; our most shining achievement yet in the field of database structured artificial intelligence. No competing product can come close to the realism of our latest creation. LISA will obey your every command... as long as you don't get her angry! What LISA is...

Send a check or money order for only $14.95 payable to Action Multimedia to...LISA, P.O. Box 9116, Scottsdale, AZ 85252-9116

  1. [Impertinant Editorial Footnote: This link does not work. I tried to go to the page. (As Online Editor, I feel it is my duty to check links...yeah, that's the ticket) and was informed it is not legitimate. Click at your own risk. RA.]

 

 

 

I KNEW THAT...

In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured... There are two credit cards for every person in the United States. . .If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar. It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot. . .One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the 30's lobbied against hemp growers seeing it as competition. It is not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine. . .Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game. . .No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl. . . Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined

 

 

ODDS AND ENDINGS

Claudia (I can't spell my last name) Schiffer is purported to have expressed her delight at the prospect of getting cloned. "If there were two of me, " she said, "then I'd have more time for myself." Looks to me like there's already two of her...

First we hear that the Titanic movie is going to cost over $200 million dollars, then that the ship really sank because of flawed steel that turned brittle in cold water, and the "three-hundred-foot gash" caused by the iceberg was actually 6 pencil-width scratches in a twelve-foot area. Then, the broadway show "Titanic" has to halt previews because the on-stage ship wouldn't sink -- and now, here in Hollywood, a yacht at sea to film a porno flic sank this week, dumping cast and crew into the briny. Nina Hartley was the star, and she's quoted as saying, "Things started getting hairy..."

First time I've ever heard of a porn star going down on a ship.

 

 

That's all, friends. It was tax week and I'm all tapped out
PP 4/20

 

Published 4/20/97

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor