" Sacred cows make the best hamburger."
(Mark Twain)

 

COPWAPUNGA!

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides." (No thanks to Mike "Punnyman" Harris)

 

 

PANT, PANT, PANT

(UPI) The "Panty Tree" at Colorado's Vail ski resort has been chopped down after years of skiers flinging their underwear on to its branches. The "panty perp" is as yet unfingered and it's not known if various items of lingerie had been removed from the quaking aspen's limbs when in was downed. The U.S. Forest Service is investigating the crime, which carries a fine of up to $5,000 and a wedgie.

 

 

UNDER THE TABLE?

In a recent contest, forwarded to us by Stef "the donut" Donev, The Washington Post asked readers to invent new elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best:

 

 

IT'S GEEK TO ME. . .

In Heraklion, Crete, it is against the law to put graphic words or drawings on a hotel bedroom wall. . . In Greece, any man who persuades a virgin to go to bed with him by proposing marriage and afterwards refuses to marry her, is obliged to pay the girl compensation. . . In Skopje, Macedonia, a life who cheats on her husband is taken out of own and has her head shaved. . . In Turkey, if a man marries a woman who isn't a virgin, he must spend three consecutive nights making love to her. . . In Rajasthan, India women are legally obliged to eat carrot seeds as a form of contraception. . . In Nepal, adulterers can be drowned on a ducking stool. . . In Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea, men are obliged to pay for their wives with a varying scale which sees them pay less for a widow or divorcee. However, a woman who has had two husbands costs nothing. . . When a Tasmanian woman's husband dies, she is required by law to wear her dead husband's penis around her neck.

 

 

DUMB AND DUMPSTER

Oh, No! Not more PC ways to say you're stupid!? (Thanks to Chris Yoder, Wayne Newitt and other dummies.)

  1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
  2. A few clowns short of a circus.
  3. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
  4. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
  5. A few beers short of a six-pack.
  6. Dumber than a box of hair.
  7. A few peas short of a casserole.
  8. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
  9. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
  10. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
  11. One taco short of a combination plate.
  12. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
  13. All foam, no beer.
  14. The cheese slid off his cracker.
  15. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
  16. Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
  17. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
  18. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
  19. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
  20. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
  21. As smart as bait.
  22. Chimney's clogged.
  23. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
  24. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
  25. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
  26. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
  27. Her sewing machine's out of thread.
  28. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
  29. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
  30. If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
  31. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
  32. No grain in the silo.
  33. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
  34. Receiver is off the hook.
  35. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
  36. Skylight leaks a little.
  37. Slinky's kinked.
  38. Surfing in Nebraska.
  39. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
  40. In the pinball game of life, his flippers're farther apart than most.
  41. A sandwich short of a picnic
  42. Several atoms short of a molecule
  43. Two cherries short of a fruitcake
  44. The lights are on, but nobody's home
  45. Isn't ready for people

 

 

GOOFY GEOGRAPHY

No other U.S. city has more palm trees than Los Angeles. Nor more poodles. . . The Boston University Bridge on Commonwealth Avenue, is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane. . . The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies. . . The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. . . Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds. . . The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites. . . Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church. . . The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

(Thanks to Little Ricky and sampler@lmboyd.com)

 

 

STUPID SPORTS

"The ballparks have gotten too crowded. That's why nobody goes to see the game anymore." -Yogi Berra. . . "I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get in. I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class"- George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach . . . "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann. . . "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." -Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh. . . "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle". . ."You guys line up alphabetically by height"- Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach. . ."I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." -- Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece. . . "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my #%@# clothes." Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker. .. "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton." Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King. (Source, please?)

 

 

YES, PAM!

Got my issue of the SPAMTASTIC Catalogue today from Dr John "Zappa" Scialli. My favorite items? The Cold or Hot Snowglobe for $12.50; a Spam pre-paid phone card with a certificate of authenticity; Spam Can Earrings ($32.00); a Flaming Spam Cap at $15.95; a Pig Wind Chime, for those who love "pigs tinkling in the wind" ($7.50); and a Spam Can Christmas Ornament (It's never too early!) for $15.95.

You could also order a DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT tee or sweatshirt from the latest issue of public television's "Signals" catalogue, but since some dwarf lifted it from our record of the same name -- don't!

 

 

MORE COFFINS, WARDEN?

According to Associated Press, a jittery UC Davis chemist suggests that the heady smell of fresh-brewed regular or unleaded coffee may form potent antioxidants, not unlike those found in fruits and veggies, which could block the nasty effects of cancer-causing oxygen radicals. But research professor Takayuki Shibamoto cautions that you must gulp these yummy fresh brewed heterocyclic compounds down within 20 minutes or their effect will be negligable. But stop before you smell the coffee, because other research asserts that more than four cups of java a day can promote bone thinning and adversely affect a woman's ablity to conceive -- although "women who drink coffee are less likely to commit suicide." Well, life's a gamble, and then you die.

 

 

WHAT IS REALITY, McCOY?

And at long last, during a week when moldy gangster Clyde Barrow's blood-stained, bullet-holed shirt was auctioned off for more than 80,000 bucks in Vegas, there comes the real story behind "the real McCoy." Seems that at the turn of the last century, a world middle and welter-weight boxer named Norman Selby fought under the moniker Kid McCoy. Famed for his corkscrew punch and underhanded style, he once convinced a deaf opponent that the bell had rung and then cold-cocked him when he turned away. According to a colorful article on the L.A. Scene by Cecilia Rasmussen, McCoy claims that his association with the phrase came about as follows: "I'm in a saloon with a charming young lady, as usual. A drunk is making passes at her. . . Beat it, I says, I'm Kid McCoy. He laughs and says, 'Yeah? Well, I'm George Washington.' I have to clip him a short one and down he goes. He wakes up 10 minutes later, rubs his jaw and says, 'Jeez, it was the real McCoy!'"

 

 

And that's the real story. . . Tax for listening. . . .

 

PP 4/15/97

 

Published 4/15/97

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor