Planet Proctor 97, Volume 18

"What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child
and the feeble mentality of the average adult."
(Sigmund Freud)

+++ We interrupt this Planet Proctor for an imported bulletin! +++

ALERT ... ALERT ... ALERT ... ALERT ... ALERT ... ALERT ... ALERT... Please note this important announcement, which may have gone astray during its original transmittal/Mail*Link(r)

STARDATE: MARCH 28, 1997 16:09:56
TO: ALL "HEAVEN'S GATE" PERSONNEL:

Due to extensive turbulence created by the solar winds emanating from the HALE-BOPP comet, scheduled pickup of 39 passengers has been delayed until Dec. 8, 2024, when we pass by planet Earth again. Please be patient. We will return. Until then ... DO NOT EAT THE PUDDING!... REPEAT...DO NOT EAT THE PUDDING!

(END TRANSMISSION)

A BAD HEAD CULT...

And speaking of the dead, psycho psychic Mike Donahue received this message, passed it on to his psychiatrist, Marv "I AM an Alien" Wolfman, and we pass it on to you:

CULTISTS DIE AGAIN - Second Tragedy of Week for Group. The 39 members of the Heaven's Gate cult, reborn in fresh alien host bodies, were killed again yesterday when their deep-space transport vessel was fired upon by an enemy battlecruiser. The transport was enroute to Sirius, The Planet of Infinite Pleasures (tm).

After completing its leap to hyperspace, the ship was detected by an Orzok battle cruiser on a routine patrol of hyperspace. The cultists, many of whom were enjoying their newly regenerated sexual organs for the first time, were apparently innocent victims of the Borzok/Tlelaxu war, an interplanetary conflagration that has raged for seven of our Earth centuries.

Sub-Commander G'Zunq of the Borzok remarked, "We deeply regret that neutral Earth-beings were harmed during the attack. Nevertheless, their vessel bore the markings of our sworn enemies, the Tlelaxu. We therefore claim this day as a great victory for the Borzok empire." Due to the remoteness of the patch of space where the incident occurred, chances of rescue are nil. According to Borzok sources, the formerly dead cultists are "absolutely toast this time."

Imperial Proconsul 378%Q'nah'nah of the Tlelaxu apologized humbly for the incident, venting his external gills in the universal Tlelaxu gesture of supplication and regret. "We assure you that this was an isolated incident," said 378%Q'nah'nah. We sincerely hope that it does not discourage future mass suicides on Earth. We have a solar system of fresh host bodies for all of you, and the Planet of Infinite Pleasures (tm) awaits all of you who join us." When asked if the Tlelaxu mission statement, "To Serve Man," might be a cookbook, 378%Q'nah'nah abruptly terminated the interview.

FAA LA LAA LA LAA

Taylor Jessen's mother, a pilot, passed this annotated version of John Gillespie Magee, Jr's famous poem "HIGH FLIGHT" on to him, and she got it from another pilot, who got it from another pilot, who probably got it from someone who used to work at the FAA. Its original attribution is unknown:

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth1
And danced2 the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed3, and joined the tumbling mirth4
Of sun-split clouds5 and done a hundred things6
You have not dreamed of -- wheeled and soared and swung7
High in the sunlit silence8. Hov'ring there9,
I've chased the shouting wind10 along, and flung11
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up, the long, delirious12, burning blue
I've topped the windswept heights13 with easy grace
Where never lark, or even eagle14 flew.
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space15,
Put out my hand16 and touched the face of God.

FAA Supplement:

Pilots must insure that all surly bonds have been slipped entirely before aircraft taxi or flight is attempted.
During periods of severe sky dancing, crew and passengers must keep seatbelts fastened. Crew should wear shoulder belts as provided.
Sunward climbs must not exceed the maximum permitted aircraft ceiling.
Passenger aircraft are prohibited from joining the tumbling mirth.
Pilots flying through sun-split clouds under VFR conditions must comply with all applicable minimum clearances.
Do not perform these hundred things in front of FAA inspectors.
Wheeling, soaring, and swinging will not be attempted except in aircraft rated for such activities and within utility class weight limits.
Be advised that sunlit silence will occur only when a major engine malfunction has occurred.
Hovering there will constitute a highly reliable signal that a flight emergency is imminent.
Forecasts of shouting winds are available from the local FSS. Encounters with unexpected shouting winds should be reported by pilots.
Pilots flinging eager craft through footless halls of air are reminded that they alone are responsible for maintaining separation from other eager craft.
Should any crewmember or passenger experience delirium while in the burning blue, submit an irregularity report upon flight termination.
Windswept heights will be topped by a minimum of 1,000 feet to maintain VFR minimum separations.
Aircraft engine ingestion of, or impact with, larks or eagles should be reported to the FAA and the appropriate aircraft maintenance facility.
Aircraft operating in the high untrespassed sanctity of space must remain in VFR flight regardless of meteorological conditions and visibility.
Pilots and passengers are reminded that opening doors or windows in order to touch the face of God may result in loss of cabin pressure.

OH MY GOD

Marv Bowwow Wolfman forwarded these "Children's Letters to God" by way of Ross Howard, Toronto Globe And Mail, from a book by Stuart Hample:

"Dear God, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his Bowling Words in the house? . . . Dear God, Do animals use you or is there somebody else for them? . . . Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had 3 stitches and a shot. . . Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. Do you really go back that far? . . . Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I prayed for was a puppy . . . Dear God-if we come back as something else please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her . . . Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year . . . How did you know you were God?"

WHERE AM US ANYWAY?

We have been entertaining my cousin Aaron McKee and his wife, Shannon this week in my office-slash-guestroom, so material for the manifestation of Planets has been backing up on me. But if you really need your fix and for those of you who may want to catch up on issues dating back to July of last year, you can find them all at a site for sore eyes [now]* graciously maintained by Tiny Dr. Tim at the Planet Archives.
*[Editor's Note: This last line was edited by the Tiny Dr. on 8/19/00 to fix a broken link.]

I have recently also sent him many bizarre pictures of your humble majesty in previous incarnations, so stay tuned.

Also, here, compliments of Fred "Help!" Wiebel, editor of the FIREZINE fan rag, is the latest schedule of FIRESIGN appearances on "TICK" this month on COMEDY CENTRAL. Gentlethings, start your recorders, please...

*Monday - April 14: 6:00 PM, 12:00 AM
#020 Coach Fussell's Lament (Proctor)

*Tuesday - April 15: 6:00 PM, 12:00 AM
#021 Evil Sits Down For A Moment (Proctor)

* Sunday - April 20: 12:00 AM
#025 The Tick Vs. Reno, Nevada (Firesign Theatre)

* Monday - April 21: 6:00 PM, 12:AM
#026 Grandpa Wore Tights (Bergman)

*Sunday - April 27: 12:00 AM
#030 Sidekicks Don't Kiss (Firesign Theatre)

*Wednesday - April 30: 6:00 PM, 12:AM
#033 The Tick Vs. Europe (Proctor)

And last, but not last, is the shocking revelation that in the April 18th edition of ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY, the fabled Firesign Theatre has been chosen as one of the "30 Best Comedy Acts of All Time." We appear (alphabetically, we presume) between W.C. Fields and Redd Foxx! And I want to thank God and my Mother...

NO DOWN UNDER

CANBERRA, Australia - Australia's conservative government, stung by community outrage at parliament's recent abolition of a euthanasia law, dropped a plan to ban sex movies on pay television and video tape. Attorney General Daryl Williams said the government would ban movies that combined sex with violence, degradation or children, but the new policy failed to generally outlaw movies explicitly showing sex, as originally proposed. "Amazingly, common sense prevailed," Fiona Patten, a spokeswoman for the sex video industry, told reporters.

Federal parliament last month struck down a pioneering territory law that allowed voluntary euthanasia, the world's first such law. The conscience vote ignored the 70-percent majority of Australians who believed that terminally ill people (or mad alien monks in human containers?) should be allowed to kill themselves, and the decision was followed by a flood of protests to newspapers and talkback radio stations. (Thanks to Lorie "No cen or hip" Kellog.)

Throw another old person on the barbie...

NEVER TOO OLD TO (L)EARN

The Learning Annex here in L.A. offers unusual courses to those of you who would rather learn a new trade instead of taking on a new body. Among our favorites are: ACTING From the Spiritual Perspective -- How to Write a Book on ANYTHING, in 2 weeks...or Less! -- How to Cook 2 Weeks of Healthy, Inexpensive Meals in 1 Evening -- Transformational Haircutting. Learn to Style Your Hair to Complement Your Aura -- Telepathic Communication with Animals -- Dental Billing Business at Home (Not Dental "Filling"?) -- and speaking of "filling," Sexual Ecstasy Can Be Yours! The Multi-Orgasmic Couple - (They live next door to us) - What Women Really Want in Bed (A good night's sleep?) -- How To Turn Your Man into Putty in Your Hands (Wait a minute! Putty??) -- How to Make Your Own Shower Gel and Bubble Bath -- Make Your Own Herbal Incense -- and DICK VAN PATTEN on How to Launch Your Child in Showbiz (First, break a bottle of baby shampoo across his cheek). Sign up now!

See you in School
Professor Proctor 4/13/97

Published 4/13/97