"Make me one with everything," said the Buddhist to the hotdog vendor.
THERE'S A SEEKER RE-BORN EVERY MINUTE!
Talk about strangers in a strange land. . . In an L.A. Times article about Hollywood's reluctant rush to make movies of Heaven's Gate -- wasn't one bomb of that name enough? -- "Texas Cadet Murder" producer Steve White opines, "I've had it with these movies and I don't want to do another. Also, it's such a tragic story, and I don't even know what it is yet." As though to reinforce his apparent confusion, an anonymous pancake-house waitress "was interviewed nonstop Thursday" since, as she succinctly explains "it's been speculated that I may or may not have served them once or twice." And finally, Associated Press reports that a London "Life Assurance" firm which covered the HG 39 for "abduction, impregnation or death caused by aliens" has now stopped offering such policies, even though to collect, deceased members would have to prove that they were abducted. Which again raises the lively Firesign query, "How can you be in two places at once, when you're dead?" Or, as Mary (Call Me Mary) Willard states: "I don't have much respect for the 39 Heaven's Gaters. (Was Michael Cimino one of them?) After all, they were just keeping up with the Joneses."
ALIENS! REGISTER NOW!
Thirty Nine positions at Higher Source, a web site development and production house. Our business has really taken off like a comet and we now have quite a few positions to fill.
The individuals at the core of our group have worked closely together for over 20 years. During those years, each of us has developed a high degree of skill and know-how through personal discipline and concerted effort. We try to stay positive in every circumstance and put the good of a project above any personal concerns or artistic egos. By sustaining this attitude and conduct, we have achieved a high level of efficiency and quality in our work. This crew-minded effort, combined with ingenuity and creativity, have helped us provide advanced solutions at highly competitive rates.
Based in Rancho Santa Fe, California (near San Diego), we provide excellent opportunity for advancement to a higher place. In fact, all of our employees have recently been promoted.
We provide free clothing, Nike tennis shoes, pudding, apple sauce and vodka. (You must supply your own Phenol-Barbital). Every employee is issued a large purple cloth, the purpose of which will become clear. Free haircuts too!!! We also offer haute-cuisine. Rocky mountain oysters are our specialty, although recently we have not been able to keep up our stock.
Our most successful members ultimately get to choose catchy two-letter names, which we find to be a major asset in attracting a quality staff and clientele.
No experience is necessary. We will train you to work and think within our business model. ID is required. Abduction experiences a plus. We are looking for real team players. We believe in our motto: "Our ship will come in!"
Please send resumes to email@example.com. (Rich Fish)
And our pal and fellow-seeker, Richard Arnold says: "In the mid-seventies, the Firesign Theatre viscously parodied the new age in their album Everything You Know is Wrong. This week, their album appears to be prophetic in the light of the news of the suicides of the Heaven's Gate followers. As Happy Harry Cox would say, 'I was right about the comet...don't feel alone here in the New Age, because there's a seeker born every minute.'"
He then goes on to point us into some interesting NetScapes like Jim Rice of the Whole Earth 'Lectronic Link (a.k.a, the WELL) in San Francisco, who put up a nasty parody of the Heaven's Gate home page. As Rich adds:" If you like your New Age comedy dark, no sugar, you can find it at: http://www.highersource.org/
And he guides us also to a large site devoted to all manners of New Age philosophy, including visitations of angels, elves, UFOs (including the dolphin beings and the more famous "greys"), and the channeling of past lives, multi-dimensional beings, extra-terrestrials, and God Him/Herself, which can be found at: http://www.teleport.com/~metamor/
WOMEN ARE FROM VENICE, MEN ARE FROM MAR VISTA!
Hank Rosenfeld's witty title introduces the latest collection of wacky sexual practices, this time from the Dark Continent:
In the Ugandan capital of Kampala, if a woman's hand touches any man's private parts (except her husband's), then the offending hand must be put in a pot of boiling oil. A second offense means amputation... In Bhutan, younger brothers are not allowed to get married before their older brothers... In South-West Ethiopia, a man who "violates" a virgin is punished by having his head (or, if the judge is feeling lenient, his hands) cut off... Adulterous women of the African Tupuri tribe have a brass ring fitted to their necks which they have to wear for the rest of their lives... In Bengal, married Kurni women have to wear a ring on their arms. Their husbands can divorce them simply by removing it... In Equatorial Guinea, a man who has sex with another man's wife is executed by drowning... In Sierra Leone, sodomy is illegal and punishable by burning to death at the stake... In the Central African Republic town of Banqui pimps can be punished by having molten lead poured down their throats... In Georgetown, Guyana, nude bathing is prohibited and offenders could find themselves coated in paint... In Luanda, Angola, prostitutes are obliged to bare their breasts at all times... In Bhutan, adulterers are stoned to death... In Nepal, sex between unmarried people is forbidden and is punished by flogging the offenders... Homosexuality is prohibited by the Benin tribe in Africa. However, they do allow mutual masturbation... In Belize, the punishment for any man who has sex with or marries his aunt is a severe flogging... In Guinea-Bissau, a cuckolded husband is entitled to decapitate his wife's lover. He can also force the man to cut off one of the cheating woman's fingers or toes and eat it. (Bone Appetit!)
YOUR BRAIN IS NOT THE BOSS!
36 politically correct ways to say someone is stupid:
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
All of his oars are not hitting at the same time.
I KNEW THAT . . .
And to leave you laughing, like the happy crew of the companion, here are some "Funny Facts" from Will Porter: The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver"... In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere... David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie... Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. . . Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age... Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33... Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older... Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time... Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten... Cat's urine glows under a black light... In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated... The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan"... The most common name in the world is Mohammed... Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category... Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors... Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son... The first Ford cars had Dodge engines... February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon... No word in the English language rhymes with month.
Keep your containers filled!
© 1996/2002 by Phil Proctor