"Time spent laughing is time spent with the gods."
(Japanese proverb)

 

THERE WAS THIS BIG TURTLE. . .

"On the first day, there was nothing, so God created light. On the second day there was still nothing, but you could see there was nothing.". . from the April L.A. Church of Religious Science Newsletter, Dr. David J. Walker, pastor. My wife and I go there every Sunday for a spiritual fill-up. Dr. Walker, an ex-song-and-dance man, is a hoot and a half. He opened the Easter talk by referring to a cartoon he'd seen of God talking to Jesus back up in Heaven. God says, "What exactly did you tell them?" By the way, the law firm down the street has opened a place of worship as well, The Church of Litigious Science.

 

 

INITIAL CONTACT

A Planet Proctor Pal, H. Hesseman, recently advised me to send the rant to our mutual old bud Garry Goodrow, and here is the amusing repost, written, no doubt, off the top: "Dear PP: It was a wonderful party! Alan Alda -- or was it Aldrich Ames? -- was chatting up Brigitte Bardot. Chevy Chase looked confused as David Duchovny recited a poem by EE (cummings). Fred Flintstone huddled in a corner with HH, discussing a development deal. Pope Innocent I stood on a sofa pronouncing anathema on James Joyce (after all these years!). Kris Kristofferson compared the film personae of Linda Lovelace and Marilyn Monroe to that new couple-about-town, Nick Nolte and Oona O'Neill. Quentin Qwisp made a grand entrance on the arm of Ronald Reagan. Steven Spielberg and Tommy Tune were trying to interest Ursula Undress in a new production of Victor/Victoria. One of William Wegman's Weimaraners was wearing an XXL Yevgeny Yevtuschenko t-shirt. It was a grand evening, and zat's zat." Hi, Gary!

 

 

THAT'S THE TICKET. . .

According to Marv Wolfman, a cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said: "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "No, highway patrolmen don't have Balls." There followed a moment of silence while she smiled -- and he realized what he'd said. He closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

 

 

SHOOT THE PILOT

(Reuters) - Airline pilot David Helfgott, whose life story was told in the inspirational movie "Fly," landed a Boeing 747 safely today at La Guardia International Airport, with only minor injuries to passengers. The plane bounced three times while touching down, and one wing scraped the ground and burst into flame, while the rest of the plane slid into a terminal window, but there were no other reported problems. Helfgott had recently crashed two planes in previous landing attempts.

"We're so thrilled," said one passenger, a woman who was taken off on a wheelchair after the landing. "He did such a good job landing this time, and his story was so inspirational." Helfgott made his aviation comeback after a nervous breakdown in 1975 that the film blamed on his father's nasty and brutal attitude toward his model plane building. Intensive therapy reportedly cured him, and his handlers say he's ready to fly again; and though all his flights are sold out weeks in advance, it wasn't always smooth sailing -- or make that "flying."

His first flight after his comeback ended in disaster when Helfgot entered the plane through the rear door and sat down in the back row and tried to "fly" the plane by humming along with the engines. After being escorted to the cockpit by a flight attendant--to the cheers of passengers--he managed a successful takeoff, only to crash moments later when, apparently thinking himself finished, he got up and switched off all the controls. A second flight also fared poorly when he came into the cabin while his DC-9 was 30,000 feet over the Atlantic Ocean and opened all the doors "for air."

Despite some negative comments from fellow pilots, Helfgott's press agent says he's as good a pilot as John Hodiak. Hodiak, who doesn't exist, could not be reached for comment.

(A CD-ROM simulator game, "Fly With David Helfgott," is reportedly in the works, as is a "Fly At Home" instructional video and a line of parachutes.) From Garry high-flying Margolis.

 

 

BIG RED SALE

My latest catalogue from the "Sovetski Collection" in San Diego -- visit their award-winning (the Lenin/Lemmings Prize?) website at http://www.sovietski.com -- contains some high-flying items as well like a black leather open cockpit-flying helmet with rubberized earphones and throat microphone with buckle-on chinstrap and fully functioning oxygen mask (air not included), for only $79; "The Fastest Clock In The World from a MiG-29, designed to withstand speeds of 1,000 mph for $249; an anti-exposure survival suit with hoses, for only $1,250; or an extreme high-altitude partial pressure "sketeton" suit (designed to equalize blood pressure under 5 and 6 G-forces), only $350; a formerly top-secret KGB "Buffalo" lock operating both horizontally and vertically (in space there is no up or down) designed to withstand 1 1/2 tons of force (Gee!), $99. And a copy, for just $149, of an utterly worthless 30-year bond issued in 1916 by the Imperial Government of Czar Nicholas II -- framed 'neath ultraviolet-proof plexiglas, only $15 more. Or -- just send your money straight to Russia; they can use it.

 

 

WHAT'S THE BIG RUSSIA?

An article today by L.A. Times staff writer, Vanora Bennet spoke of the effects of forced de-collectivization on the village of Sykino, 100 miles north of "Mockba," described simply as a land of "bogs and frogs" where it can get so cold "your cucumbers shrivel to nothing." (Hmmm, I remember that happening to me in the midwest...). As one old lad puts it, "The only thing people care about nowadays is profit, profit, profit. They don't sow crops anymore because that's not profitable. . . nothing seems to be profitable. Even living's not profitable anymore, and there's nothing left for us to do but lie down and die." Today, it's hard for the locals to even buy the basics -- "sugar, flour and vodka." (Hmmm, I remember that happening to me in the midwest...).

 

 

SEX AIN'T CHEAP

In Peru, there is an old law which prohibits single men from keeping a female llama in their homes. . . In Valencia, Venezuela, single men and women are not allowed to have sex with anyone who is a known idiot. . . In Costa Rica, single women are banned from "any kind of lewd activities or behavior" with a man. . . In Guatemala, single women who are suspected of having had sex can be beaten and spat upon in the street. . . In Caracas, Venezuela, newly-married couples are allowed to commit adultery. But after one year of marriage they are legally obliged to remain faithful to each other. . . In Uruguay, a man who catches his wife in bed with another man has the right to slice off her nose and castrate her lover. . . In Matagalpa, Nicaragua men must divorce their wives if they catch them committing adultery. . . In El Salvador, a wife who cheats on her husband faces a prison sentence and a fine which is paid to the cuckolded husband. . . In Brazil, the Semi Indians punish adulterous women by whipping them and then exposing their wounds to stinging ants. . . In Valparaiso, Chile, it is against the law for a man to marry any woman who has ever committed adultery. . . In Honduras, a man can only be found guilty of adultery if he has a mistress whom he flaunts. . . In Colombia, a cuckolded husband is allowed to shoot his wife if he finds her in bed with her lover. . . In Ecuador, a man is legally, entitled to return a bride to her parents if he decides she isn't a virgin. . . Homosexuality is banned in Panama and offenders run the risk of castration. . . In Guatemala, only married couples can have sex outdoors . . . (or in spaceships if they haven't been "fixed.")

 

 

PRAY FOR UFOS

From Lorie Kellog comes this jimdandy aid for you or Islamic friends who are at a loss when to pray to the east. Well, you can now calculate your location and time zone and get a table of prayer times from http://www.arabia.com:80/prayer.html.

 

 

RANCHO SANTA SCI-FI

(R.I.P.- OFF NEWS SERVICE) The 39 men and women found dead after an apparent mass suicide were evidently web developers who were despondent about the delayed release of Microsoft Corporation's Internet Explorer 4.0 web browser. The victims were all members of a web design firm called "Higher Source Contract Enterprises."

The San Diego County Sheriff's department confirmed the finding of a suicide note located in the Windows "Recycle Bin" of one of the servers used by the group. In the note, one of the Higher Source employees was quoted as saying "We can't take the wait anymore" and "Life is just unbearable without IE 4.0." Crime scene photos show that at least some members of Higher Source attempted to switch to Netscape Corporation technology at the last minute. In some of the photographs, open manuals for Netscape's "Constellation" beta software can be seen with handwritten notes in the margin such as "THIS DOESN'T WORK!!!!" and "NOT CSS COMPLIANT!!!!"

"Higher Source believed a rumor posted on Usenet that IE 4.0 Platform Preview was available on a rogue FTP site located behind the Hale-Bopp comet," said a spokesperson for the Sheriff's department. "They believed they needed to become 'one' with the comet in order to download Internet Explorer."

Officials at Microsoft Corporation could not be reached for comment.

Thanks Tim Robinson <timtroyr@ionet.net> via Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@lunatic.com>

(Know why they don't make jokes about the Jonestown mass suicide anymore? Punch lines were too long.)

 

 

TIP TOP

(From the KOLB (X) FILES, Jack Kolb <KOLB@ucla.edu>)

"Top 10 warning signs before renting in Rancho Santa Fe, California"

 

10.

Ad in paper says "Sleeps 39"

9.

No mention of return of security deposit

8.

Stereo plays only music by rock group "The Cult"

7.

Amenities include gas oven

6.

References of main lessee include Dr. Jack Kervorkian

5.

Rental agreement asks for next of kin

4.

House vacant due to extended vacation in Guyana

3.

Four words: Matching pants and shoes

2.

Mailbox filled with forwarded mail from Waco, Texas

1.

Piped in music? Theme from "M*A*S*H"

 

DEAD END

My personal favorite joke regarding the Heaven's Gate goings-on, or should that read "-out" -- is the fake ad for Nikes purportedly set up on their still-extant mirror site in Roumania. It reads simply, "Just Did It."

 

 

See you in the tail of the comet -- what a great cleanser!

 

PP, Your April Fool... 3/31

 

Published 3/31/97

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor