"I heard that they transplanted brain cells from a transvestite into a turkey.
What they got was a turkey with cross-dressing..."
(Grateful Dave)



From Gregg (Don't Call Me Greg) Berger by his friends Ron Stevens and Joy Grdnic, who received it from Bill Wilson (who received it by automatic writing?) comes: "God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire:"

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?


__ Newspaper

__ Divine Inspiration

__ Television

__ Near Death Experience

__ Bible

__ Word of mouth

__ Torah

__ Other

__ Other Book

(specify): _____________

2. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.


__ Tarot

__ Lottery

__ Horoscope

__ Television

__ Fortune cookies

__ Ann Landers

__ Self-help book

__ Sex

__ Biorhythms

__ Alcohol or drugs

__ Mantras

__ Other: ____________

__ Insurance policies

__ None

3. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? (circle one)

a. More Divine Intervention

b. Less Divine Intervention

c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right

d. Don't know

4. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

a. Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war) 1 2 3 4 5

b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease, sports upsets) 1 2 3 4 5

5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary)




On March 6, 1995, Mark Oswald, writer of "Capitol Chronicle" for Santa Fe's NEW MEXICAN, reported on the current legislative session that during discussion by the Senate of a serious piece of legislation concerning the psychology profession, Sen. Duncan Scott, R-Albuquerque, proposed the following amendment:

"When a psychologist or psychiatrist testifies during a defendant's competency hearing, the psychologist or psychiatrist shall wear a cone-shaped hat that is not less than 2 feet tall. The surface of the hat shall be imprinted with stars and lightning bolts.

"Additionally, a psychologist or psychiatrist shall be required to don a white beard that is not less than 18 inches in length, and shall punctuate crucial elements of his testimony by stabbing the air with a wand. Whenever a psychologist or psychiatrist provides expert testimony regarding the defendant's competency, the bailiff shall contemporaneously dim the courtroom lights and administer two strikes to a Chinese gong."

Usually, anything proposed by Scott - whose hard-core conservatism is like cod liver oil for the Senate's Democratic majority - goes nowhere. But his wizard-hat amendment was warmly received and passed by a voice vote. (It became part of Sen. Richard Romero's psychologist bill as the measure moved to the House -- Kerry "I'm Seasick" Millerick)




In the February 21st L.A. Times "Westside People" column, Rachel Fisher reported that Penny Wiggins, better known as "Spunky the Clown" had originally been recruited "by a woman who ran a clown company in Studio City."

At first she was known as "Spanky" and wore a wig and a red rubber nose, but the fright squirrel scared the kids; they kept pulling off her nose; and as for "Spanky?" Well, you figure it out...

"Wiggins feels her occupation has gotten a bad rap recently. with movies and television shows depicting alcoholic and misanthropic clowns." But she admits to getting embarrassed when she has to stop at a market dressed as a clown.

And what's worse is when she's driving around town and Firesign Theatre fans start "honking at her." Spunky Penny says, "I'm like, 'What?' Because I forget."

Thank you, Dr. Memory. . .




From The Top Five List, copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis, (who also contributed, uncredited, last orbit's "Cloning List") --

"The Top 15 Things Overheard in the Lincoln Bedroom:"



"Hon, do you have any change...the 'Magic Fingers' only takes hundreds."


"Dammit, Dole, stay with your tour group!"


"Come on, baby! Emancipate me! Right here! Right now!"


"So, the leader of the free world can't get friggin' cable?!?"


"Couldn't they find another room to put Sock's litter box in?"


"I'm sorry -- I guess I'm just nervous with that Secret Service guy watching us."


"Bad dreams or not, Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to get back to your own bed!"


"Hello, Mr. Yeltsin? Do you have Prince Albert in a can?"


"Is that a stovepipe hat under your robe or are you just glad to see me?"


"Meee-eeee aaaa-aand Mrs... Mrs Jones, Mrs Jones, Mrs Jones..."


"Room service? More egg rolls, please."


"Look, Honey, I found a copy of 'Playboy's Girls of the Civil War' under the mattress!"


"What was that, four score and seven *seconds*?"


"Hurry up, fer Christsake, Mary! I gotta abolish slavery in the morning!"

-- And the Number 1 Thing Overheard in the Lincoln Bedroom...



"Mrs. Roosevelt, are you're trying to seduce me?"

[top5@walrus.com or www.topfive.com]



ODDS . . .

Last Friday's L.A. Times' Westside Calendar announced that "Phonic poet" Jaap Blonk will perform Saturday at 8:30 p.m. at Beyond Baroque Literary Arts Center . . . Now that's "Truth In Advertising!"

Before Charles Dickens delivered the final version of "A Christmas Carol," Tiny Tim was at one time named Small Sam, Little Larry and Puny Pete. . . and who says punch-ups can't help?

"The Cyclone" is the biggest box-office draw these days in Italy, but it's not a sequel to "Twister." As the L.A. Times' Claudia Eller pointed out recently in THE BIZ, "It's actor-director Leonardo Pieraccioni's farce about a troupe of Flamenco dancers who raise hell in a small Tuscan Village." (Sounds like a special effect to me...)




Valerie Lakey, a 9-year-old girl who must spend 11 hours a day being fed intravenously because she was disemboweled in 1993 when her bottom became pinned to the drain of a kiddie pool in Cary, North Carolina -- will receive $30.9 million for having her small and large intestines sucked out.




And finally, Neal "How the Jews Invented Hollywood" Gabler wrote in Sunday's Opinion section regarding the bloody botched robbery shoot-out broadcast nationwide live from NoHo:

"The bank robbers were obviously aware of TV's impact. It is one thing to get gunned down during a robbery. It is another thing to know you are being gunned down on live TV with an audience of millions, You want to go out with your best performance.

"One may get some sense of just how rapidly television is acknowledging the merger of life and art by looking at Toronto, where an entrepreneur, improbably named Moses Znaimer, has successfully launched a TV station [where] the entire building housing the station is a studio, as is the street outside, and cameras roam everywhere. There is even a box on the street corner where patrons can sound off in front of the camera for a dollar. . .

"What conventional entertainment always promised was a kind of salvation from the dullness of quotidian reality. . . In making life itself a movie, we have come to realize that this salvation need no longer stop at the theater exit. We have reached the point where we can escape from life by escaping into life. . . All we have to do is wait for reality to deliver the next show."

Stay Tuned . . .


Published 3/12/97

1996/2002 by Phil Proctor