"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
(Dave Edison)

  

DEAR FRIENDS. . .

Happy Newt's Rear!

The reason this orbit has been in retrograde is that ever since we returned from our Xmas adventure back East, I have been a busy boy. A month ago, I was accepted by the Reed-Midem company in Paris to host the Milia d'Or International Interactive Games Awards (in French and anglais) to be held in Cannes on February 12th. My wife Melinda and I will be going over on Feb 8 and returning (from Paris) on the 19th. (Any travel tips, mes amis?)

I recently worked at Disney Imagineering, portraying a character for a new ride to premiere in April at Futureworld, Epcott Center. (I've always wanted to be one of those "guides" you see on the little screens who then take you through the actual ride, and now I will be.)

Also I just played a cheesy talk show host on Harry Anderson's show, "Dave's World" to be aired on Friday the 31st on CBS, with Bea Arthur, Wink Martindale and Sid Melton (whom you may remember as Danny Thomas's agent on "Make Room For Daddy.") I've also been adding voices to various tv shows, films, cartoons and radio spots and am still selling taco shells on a national Ortega Mexican foods commercial.

And -- at the end of '96, The Firesign Theatre got together to produce a 7-minute satirical piece for NPR's Weekend Edition of "All Things Considered" at KCRW (David was on DAT). It's called "Everything You Know Is Wrong About The Future" and was well received when played first weekend in '97.

We have also just released another compilation of previously "unheard of" pieces on cassette from LodeStone productions in Bloomington, Indiana called "The Pink Hotel Burns Down," and on Feb 26th, we're to be honored in a symposium at the Beverly Hills branch of The Museum of Television and Radio. Enough about us...

 

 

HIPPY NUDE ERA

Well, Seekers, let's start the year with something subtopical. This was passed along by so many people I feel compelled to do it "one more time."

"Jewish English" or "Hebonics"

The Encino, California School Board has declared Jewish English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebonics as the language of many of American Jews. Here are some descriptions of the characteristics of the language, and samples of phrases in standard English and Hebonics.

"Samples of Pronunciation Characteristics"

Jewish English or "Hebonics" hardens consonants at the ends of words. Thus, "hand" becomes "handt." The letter "W" is always pronounced as if it were a "V". Thus "walking" becomes "valking." "R" sounds are transformed to a guttural utterance that is virtually impossible to spell in English. It is "ghraining" "alrgheady"

"Samples of Idiomatic Characteristics"

Questions are always answered with questions: Question: "How do you feel?" Hebonics response: "How should I feel?" The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl." (Sounds like AMISH to me!!!) The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis: mountains becomes "shmountains", turtle becomes "shmurtle."

"Sample Usage Comparisons"

(Standard English Phrase: Hebonics Phrase)

He walks slowly." - "Like a fly in the ointment he walks"

"You're sexy." - (unknown concept)

"Sorry, I do not know the time." - "What do I look like, a clock?"

"I hope things turn out for the best." - "You should BE so lucky"

"Anything can happen." - "It is never so bad, it can't get worse"

 

 

WE'RE ON A KAISER ROLL

(New languages being taught in Oakland, California)

Afro-American Speak -- Ebonics ("Ebony" + "Phonics")

Irish-American Speak -- Leprechaunics

Native-American Speak -- Kimosabics

Italo-American Speak -- Spumonics (or Rigatonics)

Chinese-American Speak -- Won-tonics

Japanese-American Speak -- Mama-san-ics (or Nipponics)

Polish-American Speak -- Kielbasanics

Jewish-American Speak -- Zionics (Kvetchonics)

Russian-American Speak -- Rasputonics

Spanish-American Speak -- Flan-ics

Scottish-American Speak -- Tartan-ics

Eskimo-American Speak -- Harpoonics

German-American Speak -- Autobaunics (or Teutonics)

French-American Speak -- Cornichonics (or Escargonics)

Swiss-American Speak -- Yodelonics

Oakland-School-Board Speak -- Moronics

 

 

LET'S EAT
or
Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books:

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

  1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
  2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
  3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
  4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
  5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
  6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
  7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
  8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
  9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
  10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

From Sebastian's Humour Group (Cron@Pixie.co.za)

 

 

WEIGHT A SECOND!!!

Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.

Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Throwing your weight around
(depending on your weight). . . .50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350
Counting eggs before they hatch. . . . . 6
Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 2

 

 

POISONAL NOTES

I read for a TV commercial yesterday which will use newsreel footage of Chairman Mao, but instead of waving his in-famous Red Book, he will now be holding a red-covered yellow pages. A Red Yellow Pages...

I heard on local talk radio that if O.J. loses his civil court case, he will be officially referred to as "a tort teaser."

I read for the part of a judge in a TV show today but was told by the casting director that the part was in the process of being "STUNT CAST." This means "celebrity casting." They are trying to get Judge Ito.

 

 

"That's alll folks ..." (That's enough...)

Published 1/26/97


PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor