EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG
From the Firesign Theatre Newsgroup comes this interesting piece of Apocrypha, purported to be the long-lost (or suppressed) opening to the story of the Old Testament:
"Ante principium erat quidam testudo.
''Et iste testudo solus fuit. Et circumspicit, et vidit vicinam eius, quae mater sua erat; et se deposuit super vicinam eius, et ecce, paruit eo in lacrimis quercum, quae omne die creuit, et tunc decidit, et fecit pontem. Et ecce, sub isto ponte venit silurus, et ambulabat, et fuit maximus quod vidit, et tales autem fuerent colei ignei haec piscis, ex quibus vnus erat Sol; et alter, Lunam appellauerunt."
(If any of you recognize it for what it REALLY is, you'll get a prize. A surprise, that is. . .)
DOG DAYS NEVER END
(With a lift of the leg to Ted Bonnitt)
Associated Press reported that a house fire in Kelso, Washington was officially reported as "dog playing with matches." The owner of Sadie, the 5-month-old German Shepherd, found that she'd clamped her canines on a cardboard matchbox and "Somehow she chewed. . .just right," fire Capt. Mark (Mark!!) Maker says, "and didn't slobber enough." Well -- Hot Dog!
MONKEY NUTS, BEER NUTS, DOG NUTS?
Have you seen an "I love Neuticles" bumper sticker on the end of the Mustang in front of you? These plastic replacement testicles for neutered dogs are selling briskly in the United States and Canada and the manufacturer plans to market its unusual product -- called Neuticles -- in Britain and South Africa.
Jelly bean-shaped Neuticles come in five sizes -- from Chihuahua Cohones to St. Bernard's Balls -- ranging in price from $28 for a marble-sized pair to $32 for butt bumpers, and are implanted into the scrotum in a two-minute procedure immediately following removal of Fido's fuzzies.
A former journalist and candy company owner, Neuticles inventor Gregg Miller of Buckner, Missouri got the idea after his bloodhound "Buck" lost his doghood. . .and his "ner.". "I felt bad, Buck felt bad," he said. (I'll bet) "It dawned on me that this 200-year-old procedure needed to be updated."
Which reminds me of the old joke, "Why do dogs lick their nuts? Because they can." Well -- now we can too.
Say, is that a pair of Neuticles in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
Implants for cats are under development. Me - OW!!
YANKEE RACCOON TIPS
Here is a quote that you won't hear on Rush's show, although I sent him a copy, from "365 Days of Gardening" by Christine Allison (Harper Collins):
"Ralph Snodsmith, gardener of Good Morning, America fame, offers this tip for gardeners whose corn crops are plagued by raccoons: talk radio. Raccoons apparently are confused and put off by the cacophany of human voices, and if you place in your garden two portable radios, set on different talk-radio shows and encased in plastic bags, the critters will stay away from your corn and other delectibles. Snodsmith says that music is not a deterrent; this technique is only effective with talk radio."
Sounds like a good idea for humans, too if you want to give up "corn."
MORE STUPID CROOK TRICKS
(Stolen from other sources by Wayne Newitt)
A German "tourist" supposedly on a golf holiday in England, showed up at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realized that the guy has no idea what a "handicap" is and asks him to demonstrate his swing. He does -- backwards! "A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag." (although I suspect some was missing).
A company called "Guns For Hire" which stages gunfights for Western movies "shooting" in Arizona, received a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4+ years in jail and a featured role in the next major movie filming there.
A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court with a forged check -- and got 10 years.
A man successfully broke into a bank and stole the security video camera -- but neglected to take the remote recorder containing videotape of himself -- stealing the camera.
A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the money in the register and fled leaving the twenty on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen bucks.
An armed man went into a drug store, announced a robbery and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head. He'd forgotten to cut eye holes in the mask.
Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site in Virginia to steal a refrigerator and after loading it into their pickup, promptly got stuck in the mud. Obviously "getting cold feet", they took the refrigerator BACK into the house and returned to the pickup, only to realize that they had locked the keys in the truck -- so they abandoned it.
HIDEO NUT'S BOLTADROME
(From Reuters mitt ein assist aus Ted Bonnitt)
Smart refrigerators that withhold unhealthy snacks from dieters may be the first of a new generation of intelligent machines that will tyrannize humanity, engineer Roland Burns warned Thursday at the annual festival of the British Association for the Advancement of Science in Birmingham.
He described washing machines that decide by weight what temperature and how much detergent is needed to wash a load of clothes and a "smart fridge" programmed to read bar codes on the food put into it.
Plugged into both your bank and the computer at the local supermarket, it will also order and pay for food as it is needed, noting "the sort of things that you eat and the sort of things you enjoy eating, making very intelligent, very reasoned, very non-emotional decisions on our behalf,'' he said.
But reasoned decisions may not be benevolent, he added. "They are very cold, calculating devices.''(especially the refrigerators, I would imagine!) so instead of being a ‘‘guardian angel whom you can trust'' it could withhold chocolate from dieters, and perhaps even go so far as to decide that humans are inefficient, locking the owner out of the house.
Where's Arnold when we need him?
"The worst that could happen is that there will be a race of machines that we will be subservient to."
I think they already exist. We call them "politicians."
ON THE FIRST DAY OF XMAS. . .
Received my first Christmas catalogue in the mail today and don't know what to order first: Banana Hooks and Magnetic Toilet Cleaners for stocking stuffers, the Reversible Talking Holiday Doormat with screams and ho-ho-hos or a Peanut Butter Bird Feeder that's "Beak-Lickin' Good." Who needs infommercials when we have catalogues?
(Hope someone gets me the Over-the-Door Cap rack and the Under-the-Bed Shoe rack.)
Sia Ye Vang, a Hmong immigrant arrested for molesting his under-age stepdaughters, was sentenced to English lessons instead of prison. First lesson, "No, Daddy." According to the associated Press release, his lawyer successfuly argued that "sex with girls" is accepted "hmong" his villagers back in Vietnam. Sex with girls? Hmmm, what a concept.
Self abuse? Drink cranberry juice.
Keep udders clean? Use vasoline.
Wash kitchen floor? Use children's labor.
Fix barn door? A neighbor's favor.
If you have any Complaints or Compliments, keep 'em to yourself.
© 1996/2002 by Phil Proctor