(Stop me if you've had enough)

 

DEATH WHERE IS THY STING?

E. Dighby Baltzell, sociologist and Member Emeritas of the Funny Names Club of America, passed the baton at the round old age of eighty. In his classic work "Studies On American Protestantism" published in 1964 (soon available in paperback), he coined the acronym WASP to describe all of my wives. I've forgotten what it stands for, but it looks blonde and delicious.

 

CATALOGUES FOR DOGS

Just received my latest issue of "Pedigrees" which offers among other treats: Smoked Pig Ears, Mint Flavored Tennis Balls, a Pile of Poop Key Hider, and best of all -- fetchingly modeled by a bitch named "Brioche" -- a Skeleton Dog Costume for Halloween featuring "fluorescent bones that are not only fun, but an added safety feature." So that's how the Hound of the Basketballs did it!

 

NOT RESPONSIBLE!

Back in Rochester, New York, to see my wife perform in a revival of the '45 election comedy "State of the Union," they're cleverly selling political items in the lobby so I bought a big American flag pin. It's got stars on top and stripes on the bottom and right under the big bold white letters proclaiming "U.S.A." is printed "Made in China".

The local Public Access channel is promoting the annual German Pissfest in nearby Irondiquoit offering a famous yodeler and "Beer Slides and Tapping Sleeves." Don't ask. Couldn't make it there, but we were invited to a Labor Day BBQ which took place in the burbs right down the street from a stone commemorating the spot where the Four Indian Nations used to gather for their annual pow-wows (before the WASPS moved in.)

We wanted to see it but turns out it's been moved -- to a "better location".

 

EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG

From the L.A. TIMES weekly "Science File" which still hasn't printed a retraction of the Giant Ukranian rat story (See PP 4), come some interesting observations:

First, a leading British psychologist observes that criminal psychopaths and (guess who?) politicians -- share several important behavioral traits. "Psycopaths tend to be grandiose," David Cook stated in a lecture at a convention in York, "They don't feel remorse, they don't feel guilt and they don't maintain stable relationships." Think he'll write the forward for Dick Morriss' upcoming book?

In another report, it turns out that research on babies demonstrates that infants can recognize when music is out of tune. They apparently lose that ability when they reach puberty.

Next, in answer to a query regarding whether giraffes swim with their necks or just their heads out of the water, it is revealed that "They sink like a rock," and often drown if they lose their footing. So, there are some benefits to being short.

And finally, there are two small color-enhanced pictures of "PET scans of the brains of a healthy person (top) and a patient with irritable bowel syndrome who have been told that a balloon will be inflated in their rectum."

Judging from the bright colors, the patient with the disorder -- like psychopaths and politicians -- is looking forward to the experience.

 

MORT'S AMERICA

Went to "Mort Sahl's America" last week and among many memorable Labor Day lines was this, "Jerry Lewis is proof that you don't have to be an intellectual to be a manic-depressive." Or a politician. Or a psychopath.

 

STAMP OF APPROVAL

The same company that released the Marx and Lennon stamp a few years ago has another winner for sale. The Republique du Chad (and Jeremy?) is honoring the President and the King on an oversized Limited Edition stamp that features Clinton with his Sax next to Elvis with his sax appeal. The head of the International Collectors Society says that "Clinton himself may have provided the inspiration for these stamps by frequently invoking Elvis' name in his campaign speeches and even going so far as to hire an Elvis impersonator to accompany him on many of his campaign stops." Considering that at a recent auction, a pair of E's sunglasses went for $23,450.00 -- the stamps are a steal at $12.95. What's next? Dole and the Big Butt impersonator?

 

O.J., CAN YOU SEE?

Judge "Don't call me Ito" Fujisaki has put his foot down once again. "I'm not going to allow you to garbage up this trial with a bunch of extraneous witnesses," he said. "I am not going to allow you to parade witnesses who are coming from the planet Mars." Maybe he meant to say a bunch of "extraterrestrial " witnesses, as in "Let him without guilt cast the first Martian stone. . ."

 

BETTER RED THAN DEAD?

The Times Sunday Calendar Music Section wrote about "Dead Red," a nonalchoholic wine distributed by the Long Strange Trip Beverage Company in Manteca, California in a striking black bottle emblazoned with the Grateful Dead's lightning-skull "Steal Your Face" logo. The Food section says it tastes like Welch's grape juice with a hint of Zinfandel and added "Stains clothes amazingly. " Maybe they should have called it "Tie Dye."

 

FORWARD, INTO THE PAST

Carl Gottlied claims he coined the phrase "If you can remember the Sixties you weren't there." Maybe that's why the Ronald Reagan Museum is staging a special event in memory of the 60s, which was after all the beginning of the stricken ex-president's political career.

Mementos include Ron's SAG gavel, a pair of shoes encased in concrete from the press corps representing the change in then-Governor's position on Tax witholding, as well as some "disjointed" notes from JFK at a 1962 Cuban crisis meeting of the National Security Council which reads: "Missle. Missle. Missle. Camouflage. Soviet ship. Barrier. Barrier." (Doesn't sound too disjointed to me. Viva MTV!)

Also displayed are Barbie dolls, Beatles lunch boxes, Sonny and Cher's sequins, "I Dream of Jeannie's" magic lamp and the original Flying Fickle Finger of Fate Award from "Laugh In." Go figure.

But the real reason I'm going is to cower in a recreation of an Atomic Bomb shelter, makeout in a '65 Mustang to sixties hits, crash in a vintage rec-room featuring appropriate TV shows and commercials, climb into hippie, army or astronaut costumes for photo-ops and -- get this -- turn on with war veterans in an authentic Vietnamese "hooch". (OK, I made up the "turn on" part.)

But a Huey helicopter will fly in for this weekend's opening which includes a dance contest, a Beatles band.and a "really big shew" hosted by an Ed Sullivan impersonator.

What's next? Another stamp?

 

YANKEE TIPS

Finally -- I received some great junk mail offering a book I'll have to buy: "EARL PROULX'S YANKEE HOME HINTS" which promises to be filled with "old-timer tricks" like these:

  1. Used onion bags can clean dried bugs off your windshield and headlights!

  2. Glass cleaner makes that prize trophy fish look alive!

  3. To absorb odor in a newly painted room, leave big chunks of a large, unpeeled onion into a pan of cold water!

  4. When you're painting stairs, paint every other one and when they're dry, paint the rest. This allows you to USE THE STEPS before the job is finished!

  5. An old brick wrapped in decorative paper makes a swell bookend! (OK, that's mine, but it's an old Amish tip.)

By the way, this book is FREE for 21 days! Oh, boy!!

 

KEEP 'EM FLYIN'
(From the Washington Post)

After 18 years in the military, Air Force Lt. Col. Flloyd L. Carpenter finally took off from his base in Guam to wage war against So Damn Insane in a bomber called Mud Buff, "filled with chicken sandwiches and 2,000-pound cruise missles. . ." Carpenter's flight took 33.9 hours to Iraq and back, refueling in the air four times. Think were there any 2,000-pound chicken sandwiches left? Ask Colonel. Sanders.

 

A POISONAL NOTE

I'm sorry, but I've been on the road and the news has been piling up. But hey, you can always print these pages out and crumple them up and put them in an old musty suitcase and after changing them every 2-3 days -- THE MUSTY ODOR WILL GO AWAY!!

If you have any Complaints or Compliments, call the White House.

 PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor