(I'm baaaaack...)

 

DULL ON THE ROAD

From the LA LA TIMES (and later Time And Newsweek!):

Speaking in Ventura, Bob Dole condemned California's Proposition 215, which would legalize the growth, possession and usage of pot for medical uses prescribed by a doctor and went on to say, "My view is that drugs are wrong, you shouldn't use drugs. You shouldn't smoke cigarettes. Let's just throw them all out at the same time."

When he was subsequently quizzed about this linkage of Winstons and wacky weed, Dole snapped: "I didn't say anything about cigarettes. I talked about drugs. I said you shouldn't smoke either. That's all I said." A smoke screen or short-term memory loss? The Doctor is out.

 

AND SPEAKING OF GOBBLEDEGOOK

BAGHDAD, Sept 3 (Reuter) - Following are excerpts from an unofficial translation of President Saddam Hussein's speech in reaction to the recent U.S. cruise missile strikes, with thanks to Ted Bonnitt and Seventh Planet Productions (sic).

"In the name of God the Merciful, the Compassionate. Our great people, Our noble men in the valiant armed forces, Sons of our glorious Arab nation, Honourable men in the world: Once again the humiliated and lowly Americans have come to perpetrate their often-repeated cowardly act by hiding behind technological development (which) God Almighty has turned into an insult on them and the opening for disgrace and shame that is to befall them.

The aggressors have come again with their cowardly and humiliating raid to register for themselves the third cursed comeback along with what they deserve for the debasement of their aggressive weapons. . . For the aggressors it will be a day of cursing in history as well as on the level of the globe following the curse that has befallen them from God. (But) it is another of your glorious days, you Iraqis -- the eyeball of our eyes.

Resist them and teach them a new lesson in the meanings which their humiliating and lowly souls do not carry. You men of the air defense and falcons of the skies consider from now their damned imaginary lines north of the 36th Parallel and south of the 32nd Parallel -- non-existent.

Iraq is steadfast like the high masts and no wind will shake and a snake's hiss shall not tear. . . May God's mercy be on our upright martyrs. God is Greatest, God is Greatest and let the lowly people be humiliated."

(Now THAT man has a way with words. No wonder they love him.)

 

HOLEY, HOLEY, HOLEY

From Bloomington, Indiana, the home of Richard Fish and Lodestone Productions (the home of the Firesign Theatre's More Sugar), comes this real note:

"To my fellow Bloomington residents, I would like to request your assistance in a most delicate matter. You see, I had stuffed all my dirty laundry into the trunk of my car, and while I was driving to work, my trunk popped open. I think I may have sprinkled satin underwear all down College Avenue to Kirkwood. I would greatly appreciate the return of some of my lovelies, if you happen to spot them, and they weren't run over by a Coors truck. Never mind the holey ones whose elastic is only a memory, I've been trying to part with those anyway. Gratefully yours, Mary."

 

THAT'S BAAAAD

From the September issue of American Airlines magazine is an article about MOBA -- the Boston Museum of Bad Art. (http://glyphs.com/moba) which is appropriately located in a basement. Donors have swelled the museum's stock of really bad art to well over 100 pieces, gathered from trashbins and thriftshops but strict guidelines limit acquisition costs to $6.50 and "kitsch on velvet" will not be accepted. As Jerry Reilly, the founder and executive director states, all art that hangs from his waterpipes must have been created "with serious intent, with some level of skill, until something went horribly wrong." Sounds like my life.

 

NOW CUT THAT OUT!

In my recent trip to Rochester to visit my wife, Melinda Peterson in "State Of The Union" at the GeVa Theatre, I came across a store downtown called "Smoke 'n' Gun" which proudly offers "Guns and Cigars." I took pictures.

 

NOT INSANE!

Dr. John Scialli sent me a copy of The OCD Newsletter, featuring a foto of the new Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder housing offering apartments to patients burdened with that disorder. The rooms are kept veeerrrry clean. There are also basement and attic spaces available for manic-depressives, and twin beds for schizophrenics.

 

WE'RE ALL ON THE LINE

(Who sent this to me? Did I write it during one of my blackouts?) No, it was Sam Longorria on the Wildside. . .

"Hello, welcome to the Psycho Hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer."

 

THE WAR AGAINST DRUGS CONTINUES

I was really high when I came across this lovely factoid in the American Airlines magazine (35,000 feet): The japanese word "yen" is derived from the Chinese word "en" which means "opium." Put that in your pipe and smoke it! I gotta go. I have a "yen" to make some money.

 PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor