"I despise affect-AH-tion"
Alfred Goldfield Y '61

 

SAGGYASS (Dec 15 -Jan 1)

This is Cloud Astro, Astrologer to the stars, and we're seeing "X"-mas and New Years in, through the crossed eyes of Saggyass, Bearer of Presents Past. Yes, Saggy, you're such an Ass you think you can recycle those stupid presents others gave you, just by re-wrapping them in the fancy paper you saved from the year before! And guess what? You can! Most of your friends are drunks and simpletons, and your relatives are either inbred or suffering from Altzheimer's. Too bad they also have such rotten taste, they think you really need another crocheted toilet-roll cover. Or maybe they're just passing on the gift you gave them last year that they gave you the year before last. So what? It's the spirits that count, and as long as you've imbibed enough eggnog, who cares? This is Dr. Cloud Astro reminding you to blame it on the stars -- and wishing you all a Happy Christmas and a Merry New Age Year!

 

DEAR FRIENDS:

We're going East for Christmas, to return in the Nude Year, so restrain yourselves til then, as I cannot respond to any communiques. The Firesign Theatre got together yesterday to record and produce a 7-minute piece commissioned by National Pubic Radio called "Everything You Know Is Wrong - About The Future" for "All Things Considered: Weekend Edition." If they decide to broadcast it, listen to the next several emissions, as I can't tell you when it will be aired -- I'm on Holiday!

Pictures of the session, which included Phil Austin, Peter Bergman and Yours Truthfully, were taken by our very professional photographer friend, Byron "Babylon 5" Cohen and will be eventually sent to Fred Wiebel of Firezine Fame, I hope. David Ossman was represented on a DAT tape he and Judith produced from Whitbey Island which was seamlessly integrated into the finished product.

I am presently busy adding my unseen presence to National Lampoon's "Vegas Vacation" with Chevy Chase for Warner Brothers at Disney, directed by my pal, Steve Kessler -- and we al think it's very funny. And here's the last PP fpr '96. Enjoy!

 

PC, OR NOT PC?

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with four pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

As read by Jim Eason, KSFO Radio Talk Show Host, 560 AM, San Francisco Bay Area, (c) Harvey Ehrlich.

 

BUYING A COMPUTER FOR XMAS?

PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI: System Can't See It
DOS: Defunct Operating System
BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW: World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

 

GANG WARFARE?

A friend of mine told me that when he was in New York about a month ago, two gangs had a shootout in Times Square in the middle of the day.

What makes the story so delicious is that they were two rival construction gangs fighting over a job.

 

ANOTHER GREAT GIFT IDEA?

(A Little Office Prayer to print out and frame and give to your co-workers, or your cow-workers if you're Amish. . . .by way of Mike Harris.)

"Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the Wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass that I might have to kiss tomorrow. Amen"

 

WHAT A COUNTRY?

In honor of the contribution of genuine "Country Music" song titles, Richard Arnold has collected a series of actual titles to Christmas songs:

Ho Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rhum (Jimmy Buffett)
Surfin' Christmas (The Wave Benders)
Santa and the Repo Man (Barn Burners)
Jump Santa Jump (The Atomics)
Daddy's Drinkin' Up Our Christmas (Culpeper's Boilers)
Oh, Little Town of Deathlehem (Killdozer)
The Little Drum Machine Boy (Beck)
Santa Doesn't Cop Out on Dope (Martin Mull)
Millie Pulled a Pistol on Santa (De La Soul)
Xmas at K-Mart (Root Boy Slim) -- saw this one performed live!
Rudolph the Manic Reindeer (Los Lobos)
Yuleman vs. the Anti-Claus (The Bobs)
If I Hear Another Song About Christmas (Sammy Fain/Paul Alter)
This Ain't No White Christmas (Rudy Ray Moore)
Santa Claus Goes Straight to the Ghetto (Snoop Doggy Dog/James Brown)
Old Hippy Christmas (Bellamy Crothers)
Get Down All Ye Faithful (Gordon Green)
O Lily Pond O Lily Pond (Various Frogs)
Santa and the Doodle-Li-Boop (Art Carney)
I Got Dumped for Christmas (Pat Goodwin)
Frosty the Dope Man (Marc Zydiak)

and of course --

Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer (Elmo and Patsy)

 

LAST GROANER OF THE YEAR?

Here's Larry "Ring Me Out" Belling's all time favorite:

"A marine biologist in New Jersey discovered that he could keep his marine mammals alive almost indefinitely by feeding them exclusively on a diet of Mynah birds. He found a supplier of birds in the Bronx and each week he drove to pick them up. One day after doing so, he was driving over the George Washington Bridge and heard on the radio that a Lion had escaped from the Bronx Zoo. Exactly half way across the bridge he spotted the lion, couldn't stop in time and ran over the beast killing it. So of course he was arrested:

"It's illegal to transport mynahs across a State lion for immortal porpoises. "

 

Be e-ing you in 97! Cyber-bye-bye til then --
Love, Phil & Melinda

 

Published 12/18/96


PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor