SAGGYASS (Dec 7 -14)

This is Cloud Astro, Astrologer to the stars, and we're riding out the Christmas Season on the broad back of SAGGYASS, the overstuffed Couch Potato! You always glow this time of year because you smoke and drink too much. Your childlike, giddy attitude makes people break into holiday grins. They're trying not to laugh out loud; and if they knew that healthy ruddy complexion comes from a dreadful cold you've caught, they'd never ask you to play Santa. You'll give all the kids the croup and kill off half the old folks in your family. But they love to have you around, you silly goose, since after you stuff yourself like a pig, you turn a festive shade of green and with your alcoholic red bulbous nose, you'll save them the price of a Christmas tree. Lucky Saggy -- they'll throw presents at your feet! This is Dr. Cloud Astro reminding you to blame it on the stars!

 

A HOLIDAY REMINDER

My wife and I are heading to the Least Coast for the Hollydaze and will be gone from 12/19-12/30; so please take note and restrain (if you can) from e-mail correspondence until the Nude Year, otherwise I'll be unpacking and downloading all through New Year's Eve...

 

MONKEY BUSINESS?

More than 30 angry baboons killed a man out of revenge in the Tororo District of southeastern Uganda, according to a report from the New Vision newspaper. A local council official said that the human victim, Okecho, killed a male baboon for damaging his maize and banana plantations. More than 30 other baboons converged at Okecho's compound and "mourned like human beings" before carrying their fallen comrade into the forest. Neighbors said that the animals later returned and stormed the farmer's house, knocking down the door. A New Vision reporter reaching the scene saw Okecho lying in a pool of blood with a large hole in his chest where the heart had been pulled out.

 

CATCH HIM IF YOU CAN

German rock star Gunther Deitz died during a performance in Hamburg when he smashed onto a concrete floor after asking his fans to catch him--and they refused. Many were peeved because he showed up an hour late, then sacked his guitarist. The heavy-metal idol regularly dived off the stage into the crowd as the climax to his show, only this time when he yelled "Catch me," fans stepped out of his way instead, then roared when he hit the concrete. After hearing Deitz had died, fan Egor Prosnecki, 18 declared, "He got what he deserved."

 

MELTS IN YOUR HEAD NOT IN YOUR HAND

(Penn, the talking one of Penn & Teller, says, "You find wacky stuff on the Net - no doubt about it." Judge for yourselves:)

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion. There can be only one. - grue

 

PARK AND LOCK IT

(Graciously contributed by emr@qad.com.) Consider and enjoy this additional set of questions commonly asked of national park staff by visitors compliments of Marv "Smokey The Wolverine" Wolfman:

In Alaska: Can you show me where the yeti lives? . . .How often do you mow the tundra? . . .How much does Mt McKinley weigh?

(While sea kayaking) What elevation are we at?

Yosemite National Park: Where are the cages for the animals? . . .What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls? . . .How long is the Two-Hour Valley Floor Tour? . . .You mean we came all this way out here to look at a bunch of rocks?

Grand Canyon: Do you light it up at night? When? . . .I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom - where is it? . . .Is the mule train air conditioned? . . .Are there dining cars on the mule train? . . . So where are the faces of the presidents? . . . Was this man made?

Yellowstone: Does Old Faithful erupt at night? . . .How do you turn it on? . . . When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep? . . .We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits? . . .When do deer turn into elk? . . . Can we eat this? (holding a handful of moose droppings) . . . Is there a Wal-Mart near here?

Mesa Verde National Park: Did people build this, or did Indians? . . .Why did the Indians build these ruins? . . .Why did they build the ruins so close to the road? . . .Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?

Carlsbad Caverns: So what's in the unexplored part of the cave? . . Does it ever rain in here? . . .So what is this - just a hole in the ground? . . .Why don't you fix all the drips/leaks? . . .Where's the entrance to the elevator?

Paluxy River dinosaur site: (Father to son) You know Billy, these dinosaur footprints are hundreds of years old? . . .I know dinosaurs were heavy, but I never dreamed they could punch footprints like this in solid rock!

Everglades: Are the alligators real? . . . Where are all the rides? . . .What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

 

I DO BELIEVE!

  1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
  2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
  3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
  4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
  6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
  7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
  8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
  9. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
  10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
  11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
  12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreword and do so.
  13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

 

MEN AND WOMEN ARE THE SAME SEX

Regarding the brouhaha, hahaha, hahaha, that the Ha-hawaiian decision to recognize same sex marriages has created, consider this:

There is not any sexual act performed by those of the same sex that cannot be performed and enjoyed by a man and a woman.

Homosexuality is an aid to overpopulation.

God created men and women and men and men and women and women and donkeys.

And finally, a poll asking South Korean children to name their favorite things listed "mother" in first place. "Father" came in third, behind "roast beef."

 

HAPPILY ADDICTED TO THE WEB

(sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy--although
My boss let me go--
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me,
Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man;
I just discovered letterman-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!

 

Published 12/15/96

 


PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor