"I dedicate this entire planet to you, the contributors!"


A note from school from Doctor John:

My 8 yo, Sarah, came home from 3rd grade yesterday saying how she and this classmate (a boy) are being followed around on the playground because "Supposedly we're boyfriend and girlfriend." The other kids think they should go on a "date." Sarah denies any romantic interest (and she denied it to us for about two hours "...well, he is nice, and he's my friend but THEY think...") Now, here's the relevant part, her genetic endowment from me, and this is spooky. The boy has told Sarah he wants to buy her a token of his extreme, a gift for the playground. And what he has decided to buy her is...A PICKLE!! One of the other 3rd grade classes sells pickles and popcorn (each for 75 cents!!) to raise money. Don't ask me why a pickle (Groucho almost said that).



Janet Friedman writes: "I was a guest at a posh place-card type Seder in Atlanta last year and was seated across from my niece and nephew-in-law, whose posh relatives and friends these were, between two gentlemen of a certain age.

In the best dinner-party spirit, I turned to my left-hand (but not left-handed) dinner companion and asked what he did. He informed me that he was a retired Park Avenue psychiatrist. In an attempt at wit, I noted that he appeared quite normal, to which everyone within earshot who knew him quite well -responded with hoots. He then asked me if I knew the definition of "normal".

Accepting my cue I asked: "No, what is the definition of 'normal'?"

He replied: "Someone you don't know very well."



Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado

December 14, 1994

Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and devotion, Agnes

December 15, 1994

Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine -- two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes

December 16, 1994

Dearest John: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind. Love, Agnes

December 17, 1994

Dear John, Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes

December 18, 1994

Dearest John: What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Anges

December 19, 1994

Dear John: When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Agnes

December 20, 1994

John: What's with you and those fucking birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of God damned joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop with those fucking birds. Sincerely, Agnes

December 21, 1994

O.K. Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to bring their God damned cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart ass. Agnes

December 22, 1994

Hey! Shithead, What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours, Agnes

December 23, 1994

You Rotten Prick, Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got the diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you. One who means it.

December 24, 1994

Listen, Fuckhead! What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine. Your sworn enemy, Agnes

Law Offices
Badger, Bender and Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois

December 25, 1994

Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached warrant for your arrest. Cordially, Badger, Bender and Cahole.



If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? . . . Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? . . . What do you do when you have an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? . . . Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites? . . . Is it possible to be totally partial? . . . What's another word for thesaurus? . . .If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? . . .Would a fly without wings be called a walk? . . . Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting? . . . Can you be a closet claustrophobic? . . . Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? . . . If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? . . . If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? . . . If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? . . . When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? . . . Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? . . . If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? . . . Why is the word abbreviation so long? . . . When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

From Ken "Time On My Hands" Weiderhorn



"Kangeroo attacks boy on a golf course. Details at eleven." (Channel 2)


Reporter Proctor


Published 12/12/96


1996/2002 by Phil Proctor