"I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I’m certainly not! But I’m sick and tired of being told that I am!"
(Monty Python)

According to an article in the L.A. Times by Michael Quintanilla, a descendant of an original Mayflower pilgrim named Sheldon Hall, also director of El Paso’s Mission Trail Association, has discovered from archival documents in Spain, Mexico and Texas, that the first Thanksgiving was observed by Spanish conquistadors in 1598, "23 years before the pilgrims pigged out in Plymouth." Don Juan de Onate presented a banquet of ducks, geese and fish for 400 men and 130 women. Pass the Indian, please. . .

"Mort Sahl’s America" is back at the Tiffany Theatre on Sunset through the end of the year. If you chance to see him, say hello and say Proctor sent ya.

"Sweet Hostage" is at the Evidence Room" in Culver City. I haven’t seen it, but it’s described as "a comedy about two porno stars who meet during an all-night hot-tub party/home invasion. . ." It runs through Dec. 21st. Rilly. Fer shur. Whatever.

"First Contact," the latest Star Trek flick has been highly recommended by several of my friends and it was reviewed by Kenneth Turin of the L.A. Times in a really "company town" style.

First, he says there is a shot described as "the longest pullback in science-fiction history . . . ( via 120 feet of dolly track) . . . from a close up of Picard’s eye to his puny place in the unimaginably large Borg collective." And then, regarding Patrick Stewart, (who we’ll soon see here performing Dickens’ "A Christmas Carol") he states; "If whoever first beamed him onto the show isn’t getting profit participation from dollar one, there is no justice in the Federation." Or Hollywood. But we know that. Hollywood is the only place in the world where you can get stabbed in the front!

There is also now running a "Troma-Tized!" film festival of low-budget exploitation movies from New-York based Troma Entertainment Corporation, described as "inspired libertarian satire." These productions are created under the motto: "getting the most bang for the least buck." Features playing at UCLA’s Melnitz Theatre include "Killer Babe For The CIA," "Surf Nazis Must Die" and "Tromio and Juliet," described as "body piercing, kinky sex, dismemberment. The things that made Shakespeare great." Yeah. Rick Shakespeare. "Tromeo" could be showing at a theatre near you. Look out!

Austin "RSC" Tichenor informed us that Michael Bentine had just recorded a series of "personalized" children’s audio cassettes in London right before he passed on last week. They’re made by the same company - Laughing Stock - that produced and distributes the Reduced Shakespeare Radio Show, but the children’s tapes are on a different label.

"Anyway, he recorded I think 4 tapes: The Wind in the Willows, Just So Stories, Little Red Riding Hood, and Jack & the Beanstalk. Using state-of-the-art technology developed for NASA (not), Bentine recorded THOUSANDS of different names that could be dropped into key narrative points of the recorded story, making it sound as if the tape was recorded specifically for each child. Clever, and very charming." Order yours in time for Xmas!

As I pointed out in an earlier orbit, the RCS recently performed IN OUR AREA to excellent (as ever) notices, but the foto they ran in the Times here was recently criticized in a letter to the Calendar section:

"With regards to ‘Reduced Shakespeare Puts Burlesque Touch on Bible’ (Nov 25), I am writing to strongly object to the picture that ran with the review, portraying an infant doll being held against a knife.

"Any other picture from the play could just as well have served the play’s premise. . . Please realize my concern and understand that, regardless of the play’s storyline of Abraham, the picture calls to mind what horrors exist for abused and battered children and how such incomprehensible acts can first germinate as the idea."

What’s to do? Ban the Bible? Or just say, "If You Lack A Sense of Humor - Go To Jail!"

Renee Tawa did a neat feature for the LAT on Yorba Linda’s Nixon Library Gift Shop which is jammed this time of year. The catalogue is also available on the web at http://www.chapman.edu/nixon/catalog/order.html/1.html , although calls pour in on the (800) USA-8865 line from as far away as England, China and Japan. The shop does not offer Watergate memorabilia because according to a spokesperson, "I don’t know that it lends itself to key-chains and T-shirts."

One regular catalogue shopper showing up at the actual store for the first time commented, "The Phantom of the Opera shop is bigger than this." Yet another who visits every few months, added that the Nixon pens make great gifts but suggested, "You lie a little. You say ‘President Nixon gave me this.’"

I had a pithy comment, but it got mysteriously erased.

This suggestion is quoted verbatim from a fax distributed in October of 1944 during the then "criminal" O.J. trial. I don’t know if a license was ever granted, but the following is purportedly from Michael P. Kellerman & Associates - Marketing/Advertising/Research Consultants, 6777 Hollywood Blvd., Suite 206, Hollywood 90028 (213) 469-9880.

"Dear Mr. Shapiro:

"As attorney for Mr. O.J. Simpson we are contacting you to obtain the licensing for an official product bearing Mr. Simpson’s likeness and signature of authenticity. . . We wish to do this with the full cooperation of Mr. Simpson and his participation in the profits of this venture.

"Ever since Faye Reznick announced during her television interview with Maury Povich that Mr. Simpson was a sexual athlete and his genitalia were described as very well endowed, a product fashioned after Mr. Simpson is demanded. Our instant research shows great interest in this product for therapeutic purposes as well as a novelty item. The ‘curiosity factor’ is especially high since Al (‘AC’) Cowling is attributed as saying Mr. Simpson is able to ruin women for other men because of his sexual prowess.

"We represent a company prepared to manufacture and market a marital aid based on a detailed replica of Mr. Simpson’s life size, appropriately tinted penis authenticated by Mr. Simpson and named accordingly.

"Perhaps a name as simple as the ‘Oh J,’ ‘Mr, Oh,’ or the ‘Big Ohhh J’ could be used. . . Please provide terms of licensing, residual requirements and other pertinent details so we may begin making arrangements for the molding by a make-up industry expert in latex casting as soon as possible.

"Time is of the essence with the holiday season fast approaching so we wish to begin immediately. . . I look forward to working with you (signed) Michael P Kellerman, President"

From "Paws ‘n Tales" comes this uncredited assemblage of things you don’t want to know about our animal friends:

The octopus is related to the clam but is as smart as a dog. (Just don’t ask them to "speak.")

The Male elephant can spend a lot of time sniffing a female’s toenails during courtship. (So . . .?)

Male sea turtles become so amorous that they sometimes approach scuba divers for a "rendez-vous." (Do they make love real slow?)

Blowing into the ear of a dog is the equivalent of scratching a blackboard with your fingernails. (But using your tongue is ok?)

The European rabbit flea can’t breed unless it’s residing on a pregnant rabbit. (Typical kinky euro-trash!)

Kangaroos use their forefeet to open their pouches and then stick their head in to lick the pouch clean. (Don’t go there.)

The female seahorse ejects up to 600 eggs into the male seahorse’s "pouch" and then swims away, leaving the father to go through pregnancy and labor. (But seamonkeys are even worse!)

Your Comedy Comrade has tried to keep you updated on haps in the Was SSR, and here, from the Calendar section of the Times, no less, is another item of interest:

According to Russia’s Itar-Tass newspaper, authorities in a small Siberian agricultural community now accept two eggs from un-paid workers in Klyuchi (Keys) as payment for movie tickets if they don’t have 14 cents. A cinema spokesman says that what they do with the eggs is "a commercial secret." Interesting; it used to be a "state secret". . .

There’s also egg all over the faces of the scientists involved in the Russian and American Space Programs. First, the Mars probe exploded and then a jammed airlock prevented our spacewalk, but I learned from the Danish-language newspaper "Bien" (The City) that the Danes have had their problems as well. Translated as best I can from the original article, here’s the gist of the story: Denmark’s long-struggling space program was dealt a major blow recently when it dropped it’s first satellite on the floor. The sixty-kilo unit was suspended by a wire about 70 centimeters above the ground on a test stand when it suddenly plummeted to earth, bending an antenna and damaging delicate instruments and three solar panels. Repairs will cost upwards of a quarter million kroners ($6 million) and will take at least two months to complete working round the clock. You want Danish with that coffee?

Published 12/2/96

PLANET PROCTOR
© 1996/2002 by Phil Proctor