SAGGYASS
(Nov 30- Dec 6)

This is Cloud Astro, Astrologer to the stars, and we are swinging under the spicy sign of SAGGYASS, the Holiday Ham! Youíre well named, Saggy, because that drooping stellar mass up there in the sky looks just like your butt the day after Thanksgiving! And you have a lot to be thankful for, because if you play your calling cards right, you wonít pay for a meal until 1997! Your bright, happy face is just what the doctor ordered to cheer up depressed relatives over the coming season. Remember, only your doctor knows the reason you look like Santa Claus is because over-eating leads to high blood pressure. Other Saggy Asses include Orson Wells, Diamond Jim Brady and Fatty Arbukle -- but donít worry, theyíre all dead, and that means more for you! This is Dr. Cloud Astro reminding you to blame it on the stars!

(You can hear Dr. Astro at http://www.pyst.com if you dare!)

 

 

GOON BUT NOT FORGOTTEN

 

"It comes in, it must go out."
Teslacleís Deviant to Fuddís Law

Michael Bentine, one of the four original members of the Goon Show, has died at age 72 from prostate cancer at the Royal Marsden Hospital on Wednesday, November 27th.

He co-starred with Peter Sellers, Spike Milligan and Harry Secombe in "Crazy People", which premiered in May 1951 on the BBC Home Service. It became "The Goon Show" in June 1952, and Bentine dropped out at the end of the year, though he returned for guest stints on the series periodically.

Bentine developed his own shows for BBC television, including "Itís a Square World" in 1960, which was regarded as Britainís first television comedy program, as distinct from situation comedy, and was the first to have an episode banned from the air when a sequence showing a Chinese junk attacking and sinking the House of Commons was not allowed to air until after the general election.

Bentine was the son of a Peruvian immigrant and a graduate of Eton, Britainís prestigious prep school. He served with the bomber command in WWII and offstage, he sailed yachts, flew planes, was a crack pistol shot and archer, published 14 books and lectured on the paranormal.

The lectures will continue . . . (And thanks are given to Michael "Mr. Archives" Packer.)

 

 

DONíT EAT COLD TURKEY

From Kerry "I Canít Retire" Millerick comes the manditory post-Holiday Diet:

BREAKFAST: 1/2 grapefruit; 1 slice whole wheat toast, dry; 3 oz. skim milk.

LUNCH :4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast; 1 cup steamed spinach; 1 cup herb tea; 1 Oreo cookie.

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK: Rest of Oreos in the pack.

DINNER: 2 loaves garlic bread; Large deluxe pizza; 4 cans or 1 pitcher of beer; 3 Milky Ways

LATE EVENING NEWS SNACK: Entire frozen cheesecake eaten directly from freezer.

(This regime will get you in shape for the Holiday Binge Diet. PP)

 

 

HOLIDAY TIPS TO DIET FOR
  1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the soda cancels out the calories in the candy.
  3. When you eat with someone else, the calories donít count if you eat less than they do.
  4. Calories contained in food used for medicinal purposes (hot chocolate, brandy, Sara Lee cheesecake, etc.) do not count.
  5. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Tootsie Rolls) do not count -- they are part of the entertainment package and not considered personal fuel.
  6. Things licked off of knives and spoons have no calories if consumed in the process of preparing meals. (Ex. Peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich, ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.)
  7. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. (Ex. spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate.) Note: chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
  8. Cookie pieces contain no calories. (The process of breaking the cookies causes calorie leakage.)

 

 

REALLY P.C.

The ultimate in a "Personal Computer" is just around the corner, according to an article in U.S. Today by Mike Snider. IBM is developing a "human-body network" in its PAN (Personal Area Network) pocket-sized computer, which uses ones natural electrical conductivity to transmit data with the touch of a finger -- just like Michaelangeloís fresco of God and Adam!

In a demonstration at the Comdex convention in Las Vegas, an IBM representative introduced a prototype transmitting "a business card" through one-billionth of an amp of power which is a frequency similar to that of an FM radio, by simply shaking hands. Talk about "Fire heads!" Think of the possibilities . . .

 

 

THANKS FOR THE MEMORY

LONDON, July 18 (Reuter) - British scientists said on Thursday they believed a memory chip that can preserve a personís thoughts and experiences would be available in less than 30 years. The "Soul-Catcher" memory chip would be connected to the optical nerve in the eye and would store memory and sensual sensations such as smell, sights and sounds in the form of neuron pulses in the brain that can later be downloaded into a computer. People would then be able to relive their own experiences or their memories could be transferred to another personís brain.

"This is the end of death -- immortality in the truest sense," Dr Chris Winter, head of British Telecomís artificial life team that developed the device, told reporters. "By combining this information with a record of a personís genes, we could recreate a person physically, emotionally and spiritually."

Winter and his team compared the memory chip, which will have a memory capacity of 10 million megabytes, to the black box in an aircraft that records flight procedures and information. The revolutionary development could help people suffering from Alzheimerís disease and be useful in criminal cases like rape and robbery if the event is stored in the victimsí memory. BT has invested 20 million pounds ($31 million) in the project. (Ted "Coming Soon!" Bonnitt)

 

 

GAD SEUSS!

(From: Scott Garside to Wayne@mackie.com: and thence to usÖ)

"21 Books Theodore Geisel never wrote:"

  1. The Cat in the Blender
  2. Are You My Proctologist?
  3. Fox in Detox
  4. Who Shat in the Hat?
  5. Horton Feels a Ho
  6. The Lemon-Fresh Lorax
  7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
  8. Your Colon Can Moo -- Can You?
  9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
  10. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
  11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
  12. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
  13. The Bitch Set Me Up
  14. Iíve Fallen -- And I Canít Get Up!
  15. Yentl the Lentil
  16. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
  17. Aunts in My Pants
  18. Hop On Mom
  19. Oh, the Places Youíll Scratch and Sniff!
  20. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
  21. The Grinchís Ten Inches

 

 

SING IT AGAIN, TEX

(Real country-western song titles from Lee "Hatrick" Hetrick):

Do You Love As Good As you Look?
Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On the Bedpost Overnight?
Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ĎCause Iím Kissing You Goodbye
Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
Hereís A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares
I Went To Bed At 2 With a 10 And Woke Up At 10 With a 2
How Can I Miss You If You Wonít Go Away?
How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know Iíve Been A Liar All My Life?
I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
I Donít Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart
I Keep Forgettiní I Forgot About You
I Wanna Whip Your Cow
I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldnít Spell Yuck!
I Wouldnít Take Her To A Dog Fight, Because Iím Afraid Sheíd Win
Iíd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
Iím Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
Iím The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
Iíve Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
Iíve Got The Hungries For Your Love And Iím Waiting In Your Welfare Line
If I Canít Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
If Love Were Oil, Iíd Be A Quart Low
If My Nose Were Full Of Nickels, Iíd Blow It All On You
If The Phone Donít Ring Baby, Youíll Know Itís Me
If You Donít Leave Me Alone, Iíll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
Mama Get The Hammer (Thereís A Fly On Papaís Head)
May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Donít Love Jesus
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart.

 

 

YOU MUST BE KIDDING

(Childrenís answers to Church school questions in the U.K):

Noahís wife was called Joan of Ark. . . The 5th Commandment is Humor Thy Father and Mother. . . Lotís wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire at night. . . Salome was a woman who danced in front of Harrods. . . Holy acrimony is another name for marriage. . . The Pope lives in a Vacuum. . . Paraffin is next in order after seraphim. . . Patron Saint of travelers is St. Francis of the seasick. . . Iran is the Bible of the Moslems. . . A republican is a sinner mentioned in the Bible. . . Natives of Macedonia did not believe, so Paul got stoned. . . The 1st Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. . .It is sometimes difficult to hear what is said in church because the agnostics are so terrible.

Dominus Pro Bisquick, Fiar Phil

 

Published 11/29/96

 


PLANET PROCTOR
© 1996/2002 by Phil Proctor