Planet Proctor # 3

(Keeping fingers busy while the wife is away)

ALL HAIL MARX AND LENNY

From "How To Talk Dirty and Influence People, by Lenny Bruce quoted in the latest issue of the Book Of The Month Club guide, comes this excerpt from Bruce's obscenity trial transcripts:

Q. Mr. Bruce, Mr. Wollenberg yesterday said... specifically that you had said, "Eat it." Did you say that?

A. No, I never said that.

Q. What did you say, Mr. Bruce?

A. I don't mean to be facetious. Mr. Wollenberg said, "Eat it." I said, "Kiss it."

Q. Do you apprehend there is a significant difference between the two phrases, Mr. Bruce?

A. "Kissing it" and "eating it," yes, sir. Kissing my mother goodbye and eating my mother goodbye, there is a quality of difference.

YOU MUST BE KIDNEYING

According to urologists, this is the height of "stone season." For men from 30 to 50, especially those who ingest a lot of iced tea and ice cream, kidney stones are apt to bloom now, leading to excruciating "stone events." Mick? Are you listening?

NOT INSANE!

Among the items offered at the recent Republican Miniseries in San Diego were a Clinton pull-apart doll with an "anatomically correct" version available for a few "bucks" more and a $600,000 lapel pin with an elephant symbol depicted with 630 tiny Australian pink diamonds. But the Democrats are mean-spirited and elitist.

EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS RIGHT

Recent pictures of Jupiter's moon Europa revealed thousand-mile-long five-to-six-mile wide cracks that cut across the moon similar to an interstate highway system, "I wish we had lanes like these in Southern California," said one geologist, Meanwhile, in Newsweek, the crystallized fossils found in the now famous "red rock from outer space," are described as "bacteria droppings" or "space shit." And the search for intelligent life continues. . .

EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG

In an article from Fortean Times on sightings of the so-called abominable snowmen of the Himalayas, we learn that the word "Yeti" actually comes from the Sherpa term "yeh-teh" which can be roughly translated as "that there thing." It was a good week for ape-like creatures, as a female gorilla saved the life of a baby who fell into the Primate Pit at a busy zoo.

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

From the L.A. Times 8/15: At a do at San Diego's Planet Hollywood, Billy Baldwin and "party-crasher" George Stephanopolis were described as both having "really high hair." And President of CBS News Andrew Heyward is quoted as commenting on the slickness of the Republican convention coverage as follows: "There is an irony here that these conventions become so well-suited for television that they don't get on the networks anymore." I'd love to know what Marshall McCluhan would say about this, but his PBS series was cancelled for lack of funding.