Excerpts from the collected opening credits chalkboard writings of Bart Simpson, with thanks to Richard "I’m Hooked" Fish.

"I will not waste chalk. I will not carve gods. I will not aim for the head. I will not barf unless I’m sick. I saw nothing unusual in the teacher’s lounge. I will not conduct my own fire drills. This punishment is not boring and pointless. I will not teach others to fly. I will not bring sheep to class. A burp is not an answer. I will not eat things for money. I will not yell "She’s Dead" at roll call. Mud is not one of the 4 food groups. No one is interested in my underpants. I will return the seeing-eye dog. I do not have diplomatic immunity. I will not charge admission to the bathroom. I will never win an emmy. The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy. I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers. My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man. I will not go near the kindergarten turtle. I am not deliciously saucy. Organ transplants are best left to professionals. The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan." I will not celebrate meaningless milestones. Five days is not too long to wait for a gun. I did not see Elvis. They are laughing at me, not with me. I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom. I will not fake my way through life. Tar is not a plaything. I will not Xerox my butt. It’s potato, not potatoe. I am not a 32 year old woman. I will not do that thing with my tongue. I will not pledge allegiance to Bart. I will not sell school property. I will not get very far with this attitude. I will not belch the National Anthem. I will not sell land in Florida. I will not grease the monkey bars. I will not sleep through my education. I am not a dentist. There are plenty of businesses like show business. I will finish what I sta "

(From The Fortean Times) Thirteen-year-old Michael P. Olson was found dead by his uncle in the woods near his home in Eau Claire, Wisconsin. His entire head, including his mouth and nose, were wrapped in a large quantity of duct tape and a roll was found next to him. It was thought that he had accidently suffocated, and his family said he was obsessed with the tape and had frequently wrapped GI Joe and Barbie dolls with it. (Ooooh, kinky!)

Carl Zwanzig: "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."

(Thanks to Dan "The Thinker" Savage)

Woody Allen: "I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."

John Andrew Holmes: "It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others."

Max Frisch: "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn’t have to experience it."

Fred Hoyle: "There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don’t know what it’s a plan for."

Ray Bradbury: "We are an impossibility in an impossible universe."

Christopher Morley: "My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed."

Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes): "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."

Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."

Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former."

On a more personal note, relatively speaking, many of Einstein’s letters and manuscripts will be auctioned off November 25th at Christies in Manhattan which offer an insight into the inner universe of the great man, best summed up an excerpt from a letter he penned to a boyhood chum in 1952:

"I am doing fairly well, in that I am the triumphant survivor of the Nazi period, and of two wives."

(Albert, we hardly knew ye . . .)

From Chris Yoder comes this trenchant observation from General Motors Corporation counsel Tom Gottschalk at the Economic Club of Detroit, as he introduced the infamous Watergate independent counsel: "Ladies and Gentlemen, Kenneth Starr -- the troll who lives under the bridge to the 21st century."

Just Watergate under the bridge, I guess.

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Kenneth Starr is in fact the Whitewater independent counsel. - RJA]

And, finally, for any of you who are seeking to escape another withering winter we offer this document by way of Marv "woof-woof" Wolfman. When completed, send it back to Stef Donev, from whom it came!

Name: ____________________________________
(Feel free to use nickname, such as "Moon Beam", "Dweezil", "Moon Unit" "Capt. Trips", etc.)

Age: _____
Inner Child’s Age: ___
Age in Dog Years: ____
Age as told to you in a vision by ancient Mayan calendar: ____

Sex:
_____ M
_____ F
_____ Hermaphrodite
_____ Still working it out in therapy

Footwear: ____ Birkenstocks ____ Barefoot

Condition of Feet:
____ Wash Daily
____ Wash Weekly
____ Like, whenever I get to the beach, man...

Occupation:
___ Massage Therapist
___ Astral Counselor
___ Pet Psychologist
___ Channeler of the Dead (real dead, not merely Grateful)
___ Follower of the Dead, (Grateful)
___ Tie-dye vendor at Dead Shows
___ Vendor of "nice hot, fresh veggie burritos" at concerts
___ Cooking up a scheme to channel Jerry Garcia
___ Assistant to Shirley MacLaine
___ Rent-A-Mob protester
___ Purveyor of Fine Herbal Remedies
___ Panhandler claiming to be a veteran
___ Professional Guest on Ricki Lake
___ LA rock star groupie
___ Bottom-feeding LA lawyer
___ Professional Emotional Victim

Name(s) of Significant Other(s): ________________________________

Relationship(s) of Significant Other(s):
____ Astral Soulmate
____ One-night stand from the protest rally who stayed because the rent was cheap
____ My dog’s massage therapist
____ "Just Friends"
____ They’re really not that significant, but I’ll try to claim them as tax deduction(s)

Number of Children in Commune: _____
Number of Inner Children In Commune: _____
Number of your Inner Children who have been molested by one of Roseanne’s multiple personalities: ____

Mother’s Name: ____________________
Father’s Name: ____________________

Where were you conceived:
____ Woodstock
____ Monterey
____ Under the stars in the commune’s hot tub
____ In the back of a VW micro-bus on the way to a Dead show

Name of book exposing your parents as inner-child abusers:__________________
Number of copies sold: ____

Number of Wind Chimes Owned: ____
Number of times you’ve given yourself a concussion by hitting head on wind chimes: ___

Number of times you’ve channeled dead space aliens: ____
Number of times a space alien has copped a feel off you: ____

Talk Shows on Which You Make a Regular Appearance:
____ Donahue
____ Ricki Lake
____ Geraldo
____ Sally Jesse
____ The morning news’ surf report

Number of times you’ve eaten your surfboard: ____
Above, while still in parking lot after tripping on your sandals: ____

Number of Grateful Dead concerts attended: ____
(if all, enter "on tour")

Number of bongs you own: ____

Number of times you’ve drunk your bong water because the weed ran out: ____

Political Party Affiliation: (Choose as many as you have personalities)
____ Green Party
____ American Communist Party
____ Socialist Party
____ New Age Astral Party (channeling the spirits of dead Romans)
____ Hemp Party
____ The Party-Hearty Party
____ Inner Child Abuse Hotline Party
____ New Age Goddess Party

How far is your home from the waterline:
____ Miles
____ Yards
____ Feet
____ I like to wake up with sand in my nose and seaweed in my teeth, in true harmony with nature as it washes up my nose

Number of surfboards owned: ____

Number of seconds you can talk without using the words "totally", "like", "man" and "fer shure": ____
(enter, like 0, if you, like, totally don’t know)

Published 11/19/96

PLANET PROCTOR
© 1996/2002 by Phil Proctor