(Notes from the Underemployed)

 

TO "OLYMPIC COIN" A PHRASE

Ben Sherwood has written a book called "Red Mercury", about nuclear terrorism at the Atlanta Olympic games. In an interview on "Good Morning America" he revealed that during his research with security planners, they were most afraid that a guy would "get in under the radar" and they referred to such a person as "The Una-bubba."

COMFORTING THOUGHT OF THE DAY

Terrorist expert Brian Jenkins on "Good Morning America" said that you are a thousand times more likely to be murdered by a friend or relative than to die in a bomb blast. Unless, of course, your friend or relative is the Una-bubba. . .

QUOTE OF THE DAY

Producer, Michel Manheim in the Sunday Real Estate Section of the L.A Times, on the selling of his beachfront Malibu home: (Harry Shearer missed this one.)

 "We hate to leave the sand, but the horses just don't fit on the deck."

ANYTHING YOU WANT TO

In recent street disturbances by ultra-Orthodox Jews protesting Sabbath (traffic) violations in Jerusalem, "police complained" about being pelted by a wide spectrum of projectiles "including soiled diapers." Oi vey! Big babies!

POLITICS MAKES STRANGE BEDFELLOWS

In the L.A. Times, an article about the influence of Hong Kong slang on mainland China notes that Beijingers now use communist terms with a twist; and the term "comrade" (tongzhi) is now slang for "homosexual." Better Red in Bed?

If Marx and Lenin had been buried together, they'd be turning over in their grave.

Furthermore, a student says he's learning all about the impending reversion of Hong Kong from school courses. His name is Dang Yu, which means "party education."

Dang you, red fruits!

NOT INSANE!

The Father of the Catholic Church, Il Pappe, is trying to stave off a wave of "pre-natal slaughter," by protesting the impending destruction of thousands of frozen microscopic fertilized human eggs, asking for "married women only" to "adopt" them by fetal implantation and carry them to term.

Over the weekend, local KFI talk show hosts John and Ken suggested that the church should order its nuns to fulfill this edict.

Nine months from now, just imagine the flood of virgin births! Mother of God. . . 

DON'T GO THERE

Bob Dole was heard "singing" with Bucky Beaver and The Gravel Grippers (sic) the following lyrics to the tune of "Redneck Girl":

 "Gimme, gimme, gimme a Bob Dole girl..."

 What exactly is a Bob Dole girl? The mind boggles. . .

TV OR NOT TV

According to Peter King's column in the L.A. Times, a Russian swimmer called "The Russian Rocket" was asked by a TV interviewer which American actor he most admired. "That is an American question," he said. "Actors should dream about being me. I am reality. They are not."

Oh, yeah, mister wiseguy former member of the former evil empire of the former Soviet Disunion?

King ended his column with these thoughts: "The Russian had it exactly wrong. This is television. Television devours reality."

That's America, buddy! And don't you believe it! 

I THINK WE'RE ALL BOZOS IN THIS BLAST

I hope I'm not the only sicko who was knocked off his feet when the second victim of the explosion in Atlanta during the set of "Johnny Mack and the Heart Attack" was a Turkish cameraman who died of a heart attack? Or was it the result of one Mack too many?

LATE "BREAKING" NEWS

A single-engine light-plane suffering engine problems landed successfully on a major Los Angeles freeway a few minutes ago but apparently clipped a white van during the process, an accident described on local television as "just another fender-bender."

Wasn't it really more like "just another roof-scraper"?

PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor