Planet Proctor # 19

COMEDY LAST NIGHT!

Melinda and I were the guests of Fred and Mary Willard last night at the Geo Theatre on Highland above Melrose' for a riotous evening at "Fred Willard: Alone at Last" -- a one-man show with a cast of thousands! Fred wrote the entire evening, which consists of side-splitting sketches, monologues and blackouts, ably supported by his silly cohorts.

We particularly liked a pre-school "Thanksgiving" skit and Fred's running "moron at the movies" bit which features wife Mary and daughter Hope.

"Alone At Last" plays for the next two Thursdays only, at 8pm, so go and enjoy! (Tell him Proctor sent you, and he'll add another joke.)

THE WORLD'S A STAGE?

And for those of you who missed me and my spouse live in "State of the Union", it will be broadcast here on KCRW, Sunday, November 3 from 6 to 8pm. We'd love to know what you think of it, particularly Sidney Blumenthals' updated script!

Then, this Sunday at 7, Mellie and I will be performing (with Fred and Mary), in Meridith Baker's "Church" for the Women In Theatre Playreading Series at Eliza and Peter (PYST) Murietta's bang! Studio at 475 North Fairfax near Rosewood in Hollywood. Locals can call (818) 763-5222 for reservations.

Now -- on with the show:

PAPOON FOR PRESIDENT!

From the "California Dateline" column by Patt Morrison of the Times, comes the disheartening news that "Ernest, the 110-pound Bernese mountain dog has been denied write-in qualifications for the 17th Congressional District of Monterey, San Benito and Santa Cruz counties."

He's been running under the NPP banner for "No Particular Party" on a $20,000 campaign fund managed by a canine crony, Calvin -- a basset hound with no foreign affiliation except his pedigree.

Meanwhile, down in Key West, where America ends and the fun begins, Reuters reports on the latest Fantasy-Fest pet look-alike contest where a fellow and his dog decked out as Geekos in matching reptile suits, and shapely Echo Grey and her great Dane, Jagger, provocatively attired in painted zebra stripes, walked off with top prizes; and finally, Frank and his Chihuahua Sam, danced to a disco beat before a bevy of show "girls" in an tribute to Las Vegas, wearing matching green-glitter Statue of Liberty costumes. You had to be there.

IT'S FOR THE BIRDS

And speaking of fun and games with odd birds, the "Black Knight" sent us this black&white story from the Audibon Society Magazine:

"A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game.

Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.

Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs."

APOCHRYPHA, NOW?

And as long as we're in the animal kingdom, Kerry Millerick hopped on the "Frog story" bandwagon; and sent me a story that so many of you have forwarded, I'm sending it back to you. Ribbit ribbit.

TWO LOCAL MEN INJURED IN FROG GIGGING ACCIDENT
(Arkansas Democrat & Gazette, Thursday, July 25, 1996)

"Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County Deputy Davey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip.

"On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on east-bound toward the White River Bridge.

"After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the pavement and striking the tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.

"‘Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off or we might have been dead’, stated Wallis. ‘I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how the accident happened,’ said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck." (And here the article ends)

Guess we'll have to wait for the MOW, brought to you by Budweiser Beer, to find out what "hoppened" to the frogs. . .

DO NOT READ THIS MESSAGE!!!

All right, how many of you have been inundated with this stupefying piece? It's almost as bad as the "Good Times" alert! (Download enclosed file for more...)

$$$$$$$ DO NOT ANSWER A MESSAGE WITH AREA CODE "809" $$$$$$$

"A new telephone scam has been identified by the National Fraud Information Center that is costing victims BIG BUCKS! The scam works like this: You get home and notice that the message light is blinking on your answering machine. You listen to the message, which has several wrinkles, but the best one is the caller asks you to call a number beginning with area code 809 to receive information about a family member who has been ill. (They may also tell you someone has been arrested, died, you have won a wonderful prize, etc.)

"In any event, concerned or curious, you make the call. Sometimes the phone will be answered by a person who claims to speak broken English. (The idea is to keep you on the line to build up charges.) Or, sometimes you will just get a long recorded message. The bottom line is, when your phone bill comes, you see this incredible charge, often times more than $100.00 dollars!

"Crooks are using the 809 numbers as "pay-per-calls" and to get around the US Regulations and 900 number blocking. Every time you call the number, they get a greatly inflated rebate from the foreign phone company. Since the 809 numbers are in the Caribbean, they aren't bound by US 900# regulations that require them to warn you of the charge and rate involved, and also to provide a time period during which you may terminate the call without being charged.

"The newest twist to this scam is to page people using the 809 numbers. With the new area code changes, people unknowingly are returning these calls. When the bill comes, there are HUGE charges for the calls.

"My suggestion is that no matter how you get the message, if you are asked to call a number with an 809 area code that you don't recognize, DON'T RETURN THE CALL! Scams of this type are extremely hard to prosecute and since you did actually make the call, neither your local phone company or your long distance carrier will want to get involved.

"Please fwd this msg to friends and let people be aware of it!"

(For mere informashon call (809) 666-0666 an I&I will be hppy to splane it you.)
Rasta X

BETTER LATE THAN EVER

Larry B.B.B.B. Stammer of the L.A. Times reports that Pope John Paul II, who four years ago agreed that the 17th century scientist Galileo was correct in saying that the earth orbits the sun, recently announced that Darwin's theory of Natural Evolution is "more than a hypothesis." But of course, humans have a SOUL as well. (And animals don't? Ask my cats!)

Interestingly, his holenesses's announcement is concurrent with results revealed by "evolutionary biologists" using a new dating process, that the animal kingdom to which we belong began about 1.2 billion years ago -- give or take leap years when frogs evolved. This puts the "origin of the specious" hundreds of millions of years back and throws doubt on the popular "Cambrian Explosion" theory when a burst of modern creatures is purported to have occurred. (Or was it the early Catholics’ ruling against birth control and abortions?)

For more information call (809) 3.8 billion.

WHAT IS REALITY?

Last weekend Dawn Wells, remembered best as the luscious "Mary Ann" from Gilligan's Island, was guest chef at our local Cadillac Cafe, preparing recipes from her "Mary Ann's Gilligan's Island Cookbook." (I hope her meals don't give us re-runs. . .)

And in order to overcome the blackout imposed on the Simpson uncivil trial presently competing with the Cirque de Soleil in Santa Monica, the E! Network is featuring recaps in one hour "reenactments" based on the transcripts of each day's testimony.

"These are not celebrity look-alikes.," E! E!xecutive John Reiber says, "These are trained professionals that can reenact honestly." Guess that leaves Kato out . . .

TRUTH IN ADVERTISING?

In Oslo, Norway, as reported on the editorial page last week, a court ruled that "egg cartons depicting happy hens in a barnyard violate Norwegian marketing laws" because commercially raised chickens are confined to tiny cages and don't wander free.

Yet, in the Friday Business Section is a lead article about United Restaurants intention to expand its Beverly Hills private cigar-smoking club the "Grand Havana Room," where entrepreneur Harry Shuster says: "One thing about the club is we don't get involved with Cubans [cigars]. It's a big no-no." Lucky he's not blowing smoke in Oslo. . .

Jack Kemp delivered a homecoming address at his alma mater Fairfax High last week where he held up a football jersey and said: "This is the size of the tax cut you'll get if Bob Dole and Jack Kemp are elected." He hadn't noticed that it carried the number "60" which he wore in high school and not the "15" he bore as an Occidental college quarterback and later, during his professional career.

Too bad it was a gaffe; I would have voted for him.

ODDS AND ENDS

(With an emphasis on the "odds").

In an article about the deterioration of the Scandinavian Welfare State, it was reported that Swedish politician Mona Sahlin was for many years deputy prime minister and "sexual equality minister" for the Social Democratic Party -- and what a wild party it was!

Then, from California Dateline again: Woody Harrelson's marijuana-bust court date was postponed because of Beattyvile, Kentucky's annual Woolly Worm Festival; and the following solicitation from a San Diego Astrologer is here reprinted exactly as it was faxed to the Sacramento office of California Lt. Gov. Grey Davis:

"Seeking reelection? Knowing in advance the basic moods motivating specific audiences can be a strong advantage . . .the influences attributed to astrology are extremely subtle and surprising strong, They impact peoples emotions at very deep levels . . . if you rearrange a topic or theme at a speaking engagement because we warn of an adverse time or day, that's not very much trouble considering the boost you will get by going with THE FLOW OF ASTROLOGY SURGES."

Wonder what the Pope would say about that? Call: (809) 666-1666.

His Whole-iness Pope Proctor

Published 10/26/96