Planet Proctor # 13

(Ooooh, scary!)

In a shocking change-of-pace from my high standards of journalism and because this is the 13th issue and I'm feeling daring, I hereby reprint (almost verbatim) several very forward missives I recently received such as the following from my pal Austin Tichenor of the fabulous (but tiny) "Reduced Shakespeare Company":

REVENGE IS SWEET (AN URBAN MYTH)

My daughter & I had just finished a salad at [the over-priced but trendy] Neiman-Marcus Cafe in Dallas and. . . because both of us are such cookie lovers, we decided to try the Neiman-Marcus Cookie. It was so excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe and the waitress said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not."

Well, I said, would you let me buy the recipe?

With a cute smile, she said, "Yes." I asked how much, and she responded, "Only two fifty, it's a great deal!" I said with approval, just add it to my tab.

Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Neiman-Marcus and it was $285.00. I looked again and I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf. As I glanced at the bottom of the statement, it said:

"Cookie Recipe - $250.00."

That's outrageous!!

I called Neiman's Accounting Dept. and told them the waitress said it was "two-fifty," which clearly does not mean "two hundred and fifty dollars" by any *POSSIBLE* interpretation of the phrase. Nieman-Marcus refused to budge. They would not refund my money, because according to them, "What the waitress told you is not our problem. You have already seen the recipe - we absolutely will not refund your money at this point."

I explained to her the criminal statutes which govern fraud in Texas, I threatened to refer them to the Better Business Bureau and the State's Attorney General for engaging in fraud. I was basically told, "Do what you want, we don't give a crap, and we're not refunding your money."

I waited, thinking of how I could get even, or even try and get any of my money back. I just said: "Okay, you folks got my $250, and now I'm going to have $250.00 worth of fun."

I told her that I was going to see to it that every cookie lover in the United States with an e-mail account has a $250.00 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus...for free. She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "Well, you should have thought of that before you ripped me off, and slammed down the phone on her.

So, here it is!!! Please, please, please pass it on to everyone you can possibly think of. I paid $250 dollars for this...I don't want Nieman-Marcus to *ever* get another penny off of this recipe....

NEIMAN MARCUS URBAN MYTH COOKIES:
(Recipe may be halved):

2 cups butter
4 cups flour
2 tsp. soda
2 cups sugar
5 cups blended oatmeal**
24 oz. chocolate chips
2 cups brown sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated)
4 eggs
2 tsp. baking powder
3 cups chopped nuts (your choice)
2 tsp. vanilla
** Measure oatmeal and blend in a blender to a fine powder.

Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla; mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda. Add chocolate chips, Hershey Bar and nuts. Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet. Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees. Makes 112 cookies.

Have fun!!! This is *not* a joke --- this is a true story. Ride free, citizen!1

(Batya Kalis on a friend's computer.)

[1. Important Editor's Note: Phil did not know that this was a rather well-known Urban Myth until after the original publication of Planet Proctor 13. When I and another participant in the alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre newsgroup noted the dubious origin of this recipe, the above item was altered by a blushing Phil to note references to its Urban Myth status.]

WE CONTROL THE HORIZONTAL . . .

And there's more! Hugh R Heinsohn's step-son who was raised as a Mormon until he was about 15, sent him this. It's taken word-for-word from a "For Young Men Only" pamphlet.

"The Mormon's Guide to Avoiding Masturbation"

Pray daily. Ask for the gifts of the spirit which will strengthen you against temptation. Pray fervently and out loud when the temptations are strongest. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell 'stop!' to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind. Then recite a portion of the Bible or sing a hymn.
Set a goal of abstinence. Begin with a day, then a week, a month, and a year. Finally, commit yourself to never doing it again. Make a pocket calendar for a month on a small card. Carry it with you but show it to no one. If you masturbate, color that day black. Your goal will be to have no black days.
Set up a reward system. Each time you reach a goal, reward yourself with a quarter.
When on the toilet or showering, leave the door partly open.
Avoid people, situations, pictures and reading material that might create sexual excitement.
Use physical restraints.*
Wear pajamas that a difficult to open, yet loose and not binding. Put on several layers that would be difficult to remove while half asleep.
In severe cases, tie your hands to the bed frame.*
Be aware of situations that depress you or that cause you to feel lonely, bored, frustrated or discouraged. These emotional states can trigger the desire to masturbate as a way of escape.
To cancel out the pleasure of masturbating, associate something very distasteful with the act. For example, imagine bathing in a tub full or worms and eating some of them.*

(Hugh notes that some of these tricks* cost big bucks in Hollywood!)

DIE-IT PLAN

Don't ever say that pop singer Mariah Carey is unconcerned with the serious questions of the day. In a recent interview on the World Entertainment News Network, as related to us by April Winchell of Hollywood's brilliant Radio Savant Productions, Ms Carey offered her unique take on the issue of world hunger

"When I watch tv and I see all those poor, starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry," she explained.

"I mean, I'd love to be that skinny, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."*

I THINK WE'RE ALL . . .

"Get that bozo out of the Whitehouse!" (Shouted at Dole rally.)

HORRORWOOD HOTLINE

"Truth Is Stranger Than Filchin' Dept" from Ken Lieck at Mackie Designs in upper Washington:

A friend of his just returned from a week of meetings in New York regarding a project for Nickelodeon, for which Ken had helped him ready his pitch. The film they wanted him to draft a screenplay for was a feature version of the television series "My Three Sons".

In their words, they wanted him to write it "as an update of 'Love's Labours Lost'".

. . .and speaking of the Bard. . .

ANYTHYNGE YOU WANT TO
(Additional dialogue by Rick Shakespeare)

CD or not CD, that is the question.
Whether tis easier in the game
To surf through the slings and arrows of
Sonic Hedgehog, or to fake harm against a
Siege of Pacmen and by opposing, eat them.

To buy, to keep; buy more!
And buying more, to say we end the
Wrist ache and the thousand toaster flocks
That flap across a screen of blue,
For an animation directly out of MYST.

To buy -- to charge! Ay, join the club.
For from that CD-Rom what bills may come
When we have shutted off computer's power
Puts us on pause. That's the interface that
Makes your Mac of so long life,
For who'd not rather pay those bills you have
Than run up others for some IBM?

And yet Bill Gates will make consumers of us all!
And in a moment, at his regard,
Transistors burn and fry
And Intel's -- out of action.

MUSIC TO YOUR REARS

And last at least, from the Carvin Factory Direct music equipment catalogue:

Special this month: 5-piece Neck Options, padded nylon Gig Bags (your choice of Ebony or Amish Black); Sting Saver Saddles, Graphite Nuts and locking Nut Clamps (ouch), Humbucking Pickups featuring a bridge position humbucker with great sustain and just the right amount of bite -- Beaver Felton's Superchops Workout Tape and a great offer on "Redeye" Speaker Enclosures, with an angry red Compression Horn Driver glaring out from behind that tough screen grill guaranteed to "Bloom" into any room!

It's full speed ahead to Slap Heaven! Order Now!!!

Published 10/8/96