(and a 1 and a 2...)
(Phil Reviews the News from the L.A. Times, July 25, 1996)

 

BAD BEGINNINGS

60 years ago today, the Nazis originated the custom of the Olympic Torch Relay to the stadium.

 

QUESTION OF THE DAY

Why are "black boxes" not called "orange boxes"?

 

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"People can't remember what they ate a week ago."

 

WHAT IS REALITY?

The coffee lady, Mrs. Olsen, died today. No one knows the name of the actress who portrayed her. I can't remember it either.

 

CAPTION OF THE DAY

(Under a picture of a young girl holding a rabbit which is apparently wearing a small red beret with an older man behind her in glasses wearing a red beret adorned with a happy face.) ""Fred Cremer judges Stephanie Lapin, 15, for rabbit showmanship at the San Fernando Valley Fair in Burbank." Note: "Lapin" means "Rabbit" in French. Eh -- what's up, doc?

 

EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG

Isn't "Bojinka" the name of a legendary Tap performer? No, it's the alleged code name for a series of airlines bombings planned by alleged Twin Towers terrorist Ramzi Almed Youset. You bet.

 

POLITICS MAKES STRANGE BAD FELLOWS

Bob Dole celebrated his 73rd Birthday trying to blow out all the candles on his career. He said, "To anyone else who has a birthday on this day, you can have mine." A typical Republican remark. If he were a Democrat, he would have offered it to everyone who doesn't have one.

 

WHO SAID WHAT?

According to WHO, a fatal outbreak of E Coli bacteria has been attributed to slimy eel, rancid raw beef liver, contaminated chicken and putrid pork salads. The Japanese consider these dishes delicacies and pay dearly for them.

 

I THINK WE'RE ALL BOZOS ON THIS BUS

When a bus driver in Atlanta refused to pull over at an Olympic venue because it wasn't a designated stop, the passenger asked him what he would do if he lit up a cigarette, and the driver announced that he would eject him. The passenger lit up and was immediately ordered to get off the bus -- which he did.

 

ANYTHING YOU WANT TO

A Houston, Texas company called Celestis, Inc. is offering burials in space -- sort of. For $5000, you can shoot 7 grams of your ash into orbit -- equivalent to "about seven Sweet 'n Low packages" -- in a 1.5 inch lipstick-sized container that will re-enter the atmosphere in one and a half to ten years in a fiery finale. When viewing a video promoting this service, the late "Tiny" Dr. Tim Leary (cremating reduced him to 5 lbs.) reportedly bounced up and down in his wheelchair and cried "That's me, that's me! I'll be that light." This, coming from the man whose last words were, 'Why?" and after a long pause --"Why not?"

 

HELLO, MR. PRESIDENT

Responding to President Clinton's recent visit to his school in California, a student said, "It's kinda cool to meet somebody who's in charge of everybody." Yeah. Don't tell him the truth.

 

NOT INSANE

According to Associated Press, a mugger in New York recently made a biiiiig mistake when he attacked the 94-year-old mother of Vincent "The Chin" Gigante. "The Chin" is reputed to run the Genovese crime family while walking the streets in a bathrobe, feigning mental illness to avoid prosecution.

 


PLANET PROCTOR
1996/2002 by Phil Proctor